Sunday, December 23, 2012

Wiping the canvas clean

A few weeks ago, I was telling a friend how sometimes I just need a blank canvas... how this canvas is something I can write on without concern of how others may interpret the words. And how this canvas is, in a way, a portal to a higher power... in that no one but he knows what's on the canvas. And each time I need to ramble again, whether to divulge life-altering secrets or just to bitch, I start on a new blank canvas.

For the past week, I have wanted to paint. But, I don't have any blank canvases. All my canvases had something painted on them... but some were either unfinished, or just not good, so I painted over them. I couldn't wipe away the crap, but I could paint over them so they look almost new.

Thinking of both of these - starting a new blog/email on a new blank canvas, or painting over the junk so as to have a blank canvas...

We also have these options in life... in relationships and goals and most everything. I usually just paint over the crap. But it's still there. It's still hiding beneath. This is what I've been trying to do for the past 6 months or so. I've been painting over the person I was, trying to replace her with a new trusting, trustworthy, "good" person. But, it's just paint. It comes off.

It's time to recognize when a blank canvas is a good idea, and how to create such a canvas so that it is indeed new, and not just repainted. I cannot repaint myself... not if I want it to stick. This canvas will have to remain as it is, slightly damaged, not well painted, and a bit tattered around the edges.

That said, I do believe it is time to find a new canvas... a new blank page to write all my troubles. A new blank page to tell my deepest secrets and wildest dreams and everything and nothing to all at the same time... a new blank canvas without a heartbeat... a new blank canvas which will not make me feel the weight of my words upon the canvas, nor the heartache of losing that canvas.

So upon this blank canvas, I resolve to no longer change, to no longer trust in a living canvas, to no longer repaint that which doesn't deserve to be repainted.

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