Sunday, August 29, 2010

Curious...(please comment...)

I've been sitting here, half asleep, playing mind-numbing games on Facebook, and it seems the games have done the opposite of numbing my brain. It has made me think of odd questions. If you have a comment or answer to any of these, please feel free to post here, or on Facebook, or by messaging me. I'm just very curious about what people think since I don't really feel I think the same as many most of the time.

First question: Say you got pregnant many years ago but never told the father. Would you tell him now? What if this pregnancy ended in a miscarriage? Or abortion? Or adoption? If you were the father, would you want to know? Would it make a difference what happened to the baby or whether or not you and the mother were in love?

Second question: What if you found the love of your life - the one who got away - 20 years after he/she got away. Would you still love him/her? Would you try to reconnect? What if he/she is married? What if you are?

Third question: What if there was a big secret you had kept from someone many years ago. This secret explained so much about yourself, and probably could have avoided a lot of pain had it been told, but at the time you'd been too afraid to speak. Ten years go by and the opportunity presents itself for you to speak up. Would you? Even if you knew it's too late and revealing the secret now wouldn't change anything? Does it even matter?

Fourth question: Say you have a friend who keeps coming up with really odd and off-the-wall questions. Would you assume she's asking them out of personal experience, or just simply out of curiosity? Would it really matter? Does just seeing the questions make you think "is this about me? Is there something I need to know? What's she keeping from me?!"

Fifth question: Will you answer at least one of these? Just to satisfy a friend's curiosity?

Sunday, August 22, 2010


I woke up this morning in the middle of a dream about my old hometown, Hallock, MN. I had been showing my own children some of my favorite places. I haven't been back to Hallock in such a long time. My family moved shortly after my dad remarried, and although we went back that way to go camping on my Great-Uncle's farm, I didn't get the same freedom I used to have to go visit friends, or go bike riding, or anything else.

Some of my memories are a little hazy as I was so young, but I do remember the school being so close to my house. I remember the sidewalk that went from my home, around the corner, to the front of the school property. It's where I learned to ride bike. The house on the corner I had to go around had a steps to make it from the sidewalk, up the small hill, to the home. And it had a railing for these steps. I had been so proud of myself. "Look Dad! I can ride!" And then I hit that railing.

I remember the swimming pool we used to go to all the time. I can't remember if it was Hallock, though I believe it was, but I seem to remember them dropping coins into the pool for the kids. I remember one particular summer, walking home from the pool, and trying to be a show-off by jump roping with my towel. I spent the next week or so in the kiddie pool with 8 stitches in my head.

I remember bike riding to get the mail. I remember the gazebo. I remember street dances and dances at the city hall. Halloween parties in the hall, with a dance upstairs and games like bobbing for apples downstairs.

I remember spending the night with friends, staying up half the night braiding each others' hair. I remember camping out in our backyard. I even remember very small bits of school, but don't have quite enough of the memories to describe them. I remember in the school playground though at recess - playing "Kiss and Kill" and "Wizard of Oz" (if I recall correctly, one of my friends was Dorothy and I was Toto).

But anyway, in my dream, I was taking my children to each of these places, which had since changed and moved and I got a little lost. It was an interesting dream though, and brought back a lot of memories I had forgotten.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


I hate this. I hate not knowing if I'm doing the right thing. I hate this gut feeling I have that I'm doing the wrong thing. I hate that I can't be in two places at once. I need to be at work. This is important. I know that. I understand that. And any other time, I wouldn't even consider arguing with this fact. I'd walk over hot coals just to get there. But now? It isn't right. I know everyone is rationalizing it that doing things this way is for the best for the family. But it doesn't feel right. And the closer it gets, the worse it feels. I'm scared. What if? What if this is the wrong choice. I don't understand why this feels so wrong. It's just a consultation I'll be missing, and yet I can't shake this darkness overcoming. I can't rid myself of this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I chose work over family, even though it wasn't really my decision. Maybe that's what's nagging at me. Hopefully that's all it is.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Little Bits of Data

To love. To dream. To feel the burn of memories long ago past burning within. The feel of a touch, the tingle it leaves on your flesh. You want so desperately to reach out and touch the memory, to feel it again, to sense that beautiful spark just out of your grasp.

Memories. Such small little fragments, little bits of data stored away in your mind, and yet so powerful. One little memory carries the weight of a lifetime of love and hopes and desire. One little memory can cause an ache inside no drug can cure.

How you crave to taste that which created those little bits of data. The desire screams from within you, so loud and deep and real. Just one little taste. The feel of lips pressed against each other, the spark that shoots through your veins when tongues flick against each other, ever so briefly, much too briefly. You want to feel it again. Just once, although you know once will never be enough.

Cravings. Oh such cravings we aren’t meant to speak of, or feel. Forbidden cravings burning within. Just one taste. One feel of the flesh against your lips, one feel of flesh breaking beneath your bite, the heat, the rush, as the warmth flows over your lips, your tongue.

To love. To dream. To pray to whatever god or demon can bring you this desire, can make it live again. To whatever can bring to life these memories and satisfy this craving.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

I need a new back

Yup, my back is fu**ed up yet again. This is nothing new. It's been a mess since I was 13 and fell off a swing. Yes, I said "fell off a swing"...quit laughing. I've also gotten a concussion from falling off a merry-go-round, and ripped the muscles in my shoulder (which, by the way, is also fu**ed up right now) from playing on a man-lift, and pulled the tendons connecting my ribs to my sternum from playing with my husband. I'd be a great a walking advertisement for some kick-ass pain killers.

And damn could I use those kick-ass pain killers right now. Usually, a shot or two of JD and 4 Ibuprophen do the trick. But, I have to try to wean myself off using JD as a pain killer. Works great, but honestly - the bar is too damn far away and I'm in too much pain. So, I'm trying the 4 Ibu's I took two hours ago, and now a shot of NyQuil. Let's see how this works. If it doesn't, the bar is still open for another 3 hours. I'm sure I can whine enough till someone helps me out. Maybe. I think people around here are getting immune to my whining.

Anyway, if anyone has a back/shoulder/body they'd be willing to donate/trade, I'll be forever grateful.

Would Rather Rip My Fingernails Off

School shopping today. Can you feel my excitement? I'm just so thrilled...the only thing more exciting would be if I could give myself paper-cuts all over and douse them in lemon juice.

Even if I had an endless budget, I'd still find jumping off a bridge head first onto a freeway more appealing. And the thought of bringing my over-ambitious sixteen year old daughter? Oh yes, I would find sawing through my own leg more exhilarating.

Ah, but I also get to bring my pre-teen-can't-shut-her-mouth-for-more-than-2-seconds daughter. Please let me rip all my finger nails off and rub salt into the wounds!

Anyone feel like taking my place? Please?

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Dream Interpreter Needed

For the past couple weeks, I have been completely drained by the time I get home from work. So, I have been taking a short nap each day upon returning home. Today was no different. At least, no different when it came to being drained and taking a nap. The nap, on the other hand, was a bit different.

I had a dream.

Normally, I don't recall my dreams. Or, I'll remember I had a dream, and may remember the overall emotion behind the dream. But rarely do I remember details. And when I do, it's because there was a meaning behind it. I am a firm believer in dreams having meaning. I just can't seem to grasp the meaning behind the one today.

I was on an island with several ghosts, and a large black lab (which was also a ghost, but didn't believe it). The lab was basically keeping me hostage in this large building (which had a gorgeous garden). The garden was indoors, screened in, with a beautiful view of a waterfall. There was a large fountain in the garden, with a stone bench surrounding it. There was also a cross.

The lab lived in this garden, snarling and doing what he could to keep people out. But he kept toying with me. The only thing I remember clearly is he stole my jacket and hung it on the cross, which in turn burned the fabric where it came in direct contact.

Finally I had enough. I went in to talk to the dog. Sitting on the stone bench, I told the lab about the other ghosts who would love to play with him, but that if I was all he would let close, I would stay there with him, although I did not belong. He started speaking to me, admitting I didn't belong. I hugged him and as I did, he turned into a man. Oddly, I didn't recognize the man. At all. Oh, and he kissed me. Which was really weird because that's when I realized he was no longer a dog.

So yeah, any dream interpreters want to take a stab at this one?