Sunday, June 17, 2012


Today is Father's Day... the day I make a cutesy little card for my husband, and all the kids make little cards for their daddy, and a few of them go and buy little trinkets for him. But, it's also the day I try to not feel sorry for myself. I don't have a dad to buy something for. Most days, I'm ok with this. But, watching people post all these "share if you have the best dad ever" things on facebook - it sends me on a small pity trip.

Add to the day the fact that my biological mother just called me the night before... and I had to be brutally honest with her... and it just makes for a crappy day for me when it comes to parents. I really didn't have luck with parents when I was younger. As I got older, I learned from complete strangers how a parent should act.

My parents include a woman who took me under her wing when I was 18 years old, and my inlaws. These three people (2 moms, 1 dad) are the ones who stayed up with me when I was hurting, gave me advice when I was lost, listened when I needed to talk, laughed with me when I needed to smile. They gave me everything without asking for anything in return. They never made excuses, never abandoned me, and never made me feel like I wasn't worth their time. They taught me the kind of parent I want to be to my children.

That said, Happy Fathers Day to all those men out there who are "good" parents - the ones who put their children first and love them as they deserve to be loved.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

No Easy Answers

I'm sitting here, already knowing my answer. Already well aware of what the outcome will be. And, I know it's the right one. Yet, I'm feeling guilty. I have nothing to feel guilty for, and yet, I am. But, there comes a time when the right answer is not the easy one - usually, this "right answer" is the opposite of what it is this time. Usually, this time's answer is the easy way.

And, if I seem like I'm talking in circles, imagine being in my head. Most of the voices are dizzy beyond belief right now. Such is life.. this confusing, oddly strange, rarely easy life.

This is one of those times I wish there would be some type of divine intervention... someone who'll step in and give me the answer - assure me my answer is right, or knock me upside the head and tell me it's wrong. Just give me something. Someone to bounce things off of would even be nice. Just someone who'll listen. Ah well.

Friday, June 15, 2012


To say today was a good day wouldn't be completely accurate. Neither would saying it was a bad day... or an eventful day, or a weird day, or any other kind of categorical day. It was, quite simply, a day. An interesting one.

It started out, as most days do, with work. Now most would immediately consider this a bad day. Not me. I love work. Especially when it is relatively busy (but not so much that I'm getting lost and frustrated and worried about getting it all done. Today was one of those relatively busy days. This instantly places it in a good day.

I had to leave this good day at work early - I had a baseball game to get to. I run home, scurry around the house preparing everything needed - mitts, baseball, water bottles, snacks, uniforms, etc. We rush to the gas station for a fill. Then step on it to make sure we get there in time. Ten minutes on the road - phone call... game is canceled. A slightly illegal speeding to get ahead of a semi with time to hit the exit - and, we're turned around and going back home.

By now, it wouldn't make sense to go back to work. I'd get there, get my computer started, and it would be time to go home anyway. So, off to the park I go with my baseball/softball player children for a little practice. This was fun. Another family was already there, so the kids got a lot of practice with someone other than their mother.

Then it was back home again. And time to grill some hot dogs. And eat. These all make for the makings of a good day. Then, time to wander into the pool to clean it out. Vacuuming the bottom of the pool sucks. Not a good day. And yet, it was rather enjoyable and peaceful. Then, walking with the children. But first, we decided to stop and the grandparents, where I enjoyed a rather large shot of JD. But, it was a very appreciated shot, I must say.

Ahh! but I missed a very important part! After cleaning the pool, and before walking, I went into the house to be met by my almost-twelve-year-old. He informed me I had a phone call from some lady who left a message on the machine. I listened, checking out in confusion the name on the caller ID.... "I suppose you're not answering because you know who this is..." That's how the message started out. It took me a few moments to realize it was my biological mother. So anyway, she apparently will be calling me tomorrow.  This call, while it didn't ruin my good day, did give it a little twist. But anyway, back to the walk...

We walked... and walked... until the girls ran into some friends. I got to hold a bunny! He was really cute. But yes, this is rather off topic. Needless to say, there was a bunny in the vicinity of the friends. I went home temporarily, and reflected on things the whole way home and back to the kids' friends' house. I didn't make it to the friends' house. The kids were all in the parking lot of the church. So, I hung out with them. By this time, it was getting quite close to 10 pm. The kids spent half an hour or more being crazy insane in the church yard. I was being almost as insane, though as the adult, I won't admit to that other than here. We hid when the pastors came looking through the window. We told ghost stories. We discussed all the annoying people in the school.

At 10:30, we decided it was time to head home. And, we then put on swim wear and hunted down the floating pool lights. And, we went for an 11pm swim. Of course, if it was warmer than 55 degrees outside, we probably would have stayed out longer than 20 minutes. But, it was still fun. And now, I'm sitting here pounding away on a keyboard - something I consider to be what makes the difference between an ok day and a great day...

Friday, June 1, 2012

Reflection & Surprises pt 2

I had intended on reflecting more today - or at least attempting to put into words all the emotions swimming around within the halls of my mind. But, it seems today I was even more exhausted - emotionally, physically, and mentally - than I was yesterday. And, quite possibly, spiritually as well; however, this one I am uncertain of. How can I be uncertain of my spiritual energy? It's a long story - or a confusing, complex one - and one which I really don't want to even attempt to explain at the moment due to the lack of emotional/mental energy.

I have found my mind drifting to two main emotions - one of which I shouldn't be feeling, or perhaps, should be feeling but really don't want to. I don't think. Or, quite possibly, I should feel this way as it is who I've been for the past 30 years or so, and it has served me well - or, helped me to survive.

The first is confusion. This isn't the one I shouldn't be feeling - this one makes complete sense. Since this trip, I have been reconsidering my stance on church and religion. This, in itself, is reason enough for me to be confused. But even more so is the fact that I allowed myself to be completely open and divulge way more of myself than I ever would, and give more of myself than I ever have. I can't even say I allowed myself to do these things - it just happened. I don't understand how or why, just that it happened.

Which leads to the second emotion...

Anger. Anger at myself for being so trusting. This trust hadn't been earned (granted, it wasn't not earned either... but if you know me, you know this doesn't matter. For me to open up about my life and my beliefs and my feelings - trust must be earned). Yet this trust was given. Or, not even given - it just happened. But, also anger at myself for allowing myself to give up lessons learned and reconsider church and religion; and anger at the person who was quite intentionally trying to manipulate me into reconsidering these things. And yes, I said manipulate... which is also why I am angry about the opening up and trusting thing. This person spent a couple days manipulating me. And I let it happen. Or, not let it happen - it just happened.

But it still frustrates and angers me. The church failed me. Not the other way around. Perhaps this is a bit childish, but that's the way I see it. It's going to take more than a few nice words to take away the disappointment and distrust I have for this organization. But just as I start to get angry, I get angrier at myself for feeling that way. And the whole thought process keeps spinning.

I hate when the voices all start arguing like this. There are some angry at myself for trusting and reconsidering; some angry at myself for being angry; some angry at the manipulator; some just plain confused; some simply not wanting to get involved (yes! I have Swiss voices); and some who are just sitting back, shaking their head, knowing that in the end all will crawl back into the dark halls, closing themselves off from others.