Friday, June 1, 2012

Reflection & Surprises pt 2

I had intended on reflecting more today - or at least attempting to put into words all the emotions swimming around within the halls of my mind. But, it seems today I was even more exhausted - emotionally, physically, and mentally - than I was yesterday. And, quite possibly, spiritually as well; however, this one I am uncertain of. How can I be uncertain of my spiritual energy? It's a long story - or a confusing, complex one - and one which I really don't want to even attempt to explain at the moment due to the lack of emotional/mental energy.

I have found my mind drifting to two main emotions - one of which I shouldn't be feeling, or perhaps, should be feeling but really don't want to. I don't think. Or, quite possibly, I should feel this way as it is who I've been for the past 30 years or so, and it has served me well - or, helped me to survive.

The first is confusion. This isn't the one I shouldn't be feeling - this one makes complete sense. Since this trip, I have been reconsidering my stance on church and religion. This, in itself, is reason enough for me to be confused. But even more so is the fact that I allowed myself to be completely open and divulge way more of myself than I ever would, and give more of myself than I ever have. I can't even say I allowed myself to do these things - it just happened. I don't understand how or why, just that it happened.

Which leads to the second emotion...

Anger. Anger at myself for being so trusting. This trust hadn't been earned (granted, it wasn't not earned either... but if you know me, you know this doesn't matter. For me to open up about my life and my beliefs and my feelings - trust must be earned). Yet this trust was given. Or, not even given - it just happened. But, also anger at myself for allowing myself to give up lessons learned and reconsider church and religion; and anger at the person who was quite intentionally trying to manipulate me into reconsidering these things. And yes, I said manipulate... which is also why I am angry about the opening up and trusting thing. This person spent a couple days manipulating me. And I let it happen. Or, not let it happen - it just happened.

But it still frustrates and angers me. The church failed me. Not the other way around. Perhaps this is a bit childish, but that's the way I see it. It's going to take more than a few nice words to take away the disappointment and distrust I have for this organization. But just as I start to get angry, I get angrier at myself for feeling that way. And the whole thought process keeps spinning.

I hate when the voices all start arguing like this. There are some angry at myself for trusting and reconsidering; some angry at myself for being angry; some angry at the manipulator; some just plain confused; some simply not wanting to get involved (yes! I have Swiss voices); and some who are just sitting back, shaking their head, knowing that in the end all will crawl back into the dark halls, closing themselves off from others.

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