Monday, October 29, 2012

Get to know me (pt 3 or something)

Ok, so I figured I'd post a few more of these just for the heck of it....

1) What is more difficult for you; looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel? 
Hmmm... this is interesting. And to be honest, I'm not sure. I've never paid attention to it. But, I think it would be more difficult for me if someone else was telling me how they feel.

2) Think of the last time you were REALLY angry.

Ok, I thought of it... now what? 
But seriously, I'm assuming this question was supposed to be a question about what were ya mad about, or why, or how did you react, or something similar. So... the last time I was really angry was the last time someone tried to manipulate people I love, and was just completely selfish. I did nothing... other than get really angry and hold it in as long as possible... then made a facebook post about wanting to punch someone in the face :) 

3) You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?

Assuming my husband isn't on the plane with me, I'd call him.

4) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
a) I would probably tell one person - but it wouldn't be my husband, or kids, or parents, or friends. It would probably be a therapist or pastor... someone I could talk to, but who would have to keep their mouth shut. 
b) I would try to keep a similar routine, but would make sure to spend as much time as possible with my family. 
c) Yes, of course.   

5) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
As much as I love my job, I'd have to save the dog. 

6) If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

Back to Austria :)  LOVE it there. But, I'd also like to visit Australia. Maybe.

7) Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you?

In a heartbeat. The last few people I REALLY knew who died include my grandma, two brothers, two very close friends, and then there are some I kinda knew. For the ones I REALLY knew, I would definitely give up a year of my life.

8) Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

Hell no. I'm neurotic. I expect too much out of people. I'm babbly and annoying. And over emotional. And I expect way too much out of people.

9) Does love = sex?

10) What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back? 
Hmmm, another tough one. I don't tell people I love them (generally because it takes a lot for me to actually love someone). But on the other hand, I don't (usually) like to hurt people's feelings. I really don't know which one would be harder.... 


Saturday, October 27, 2012


You keep reaching out
a needy hand
trying to find that one
who will be there till the end

You keep reaching out
almost pleading for
someone to care
Someone to hold

You keep reaching out
wanting someone to love
and it's all in vain

And, that's as far as I could get at the moment. This depression is sucking everything from me. And no one cares. I've tried reaching out.... tried getting someone to care... but everyone runs and hides... it just isn't fair.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

What's more important?

What's more important - a little kid's birthday party, or making sure a dying man is taken care of? Attending a little kid's birthday party, or paying a visit to someone who may not be here tomorrow?

Of course, most of us sitting here reading this question would say the dying man is more important. But then make these two people, people you actually know. Then the answer becomes whichever person you have more of a vested interest in. And, we then expect every other person's answer to be the same answer we have.

I woke up this afternoon to a phone call, which my daughter answered and took a message for me. Someone was calling asking if I would be willing to sit with my father-in-law so my mother-in-law could go to the caller's child's birthday party. .... I was livid. First, there was definitely no question as to my willingness to sit with Dad. I love that man as if he were my own father. In fact, I consider him my own father. I would drop everything to help him. But for someone else to call and ask this? After she'd already been told no by my mother-in-law? Talk about selfish. You just don't do that. If Mom had called wanting to attend this birthday party, I would have been over to her place in a heartbeat. But for someone else to call and ask this? This is rude. This is saying "my child's birthday is more important than your father's health." I didn't call her back... I had mom call her because, as I told mom, if I called, I would definitely not hold my tongue and I would be calling the woman a dumb bitch.

But, it got me thinking... how many other people have taken any interest in them? A few friends, yes. And I have been impressed with some people's willingness to help out by bringing them food so Mom doesn't have to cook. But there are many others whom I would have expected to stop by. People I thought might occasionally pop their head in to see if they can help with anything. To see if they can offer a little emotional support. Or spiritual support. Or anything. These people will eagerly go to a child's birthday party, but can't be bothered to see a dying man.

Dad may make it another year. Knowing how stubborn he is, it's possible. But it's also possible he'll be gone tomorrow, or next week, or next month. We don't know. We don't know what God has planned. I just know that when he leaves, he's going to go knowing that he was loved and cherished. And before he goes, Mom is going to know she is not alone and does not have to face this by herself.

But back to which is more important...

Obviously to me, the man is. A child will most likely have many more birthday parties. And hell, my kids have never had birthday parties that involved people other than family. There are a few reasons for this, but one main reason is that I don't believe in people bringing me or my children gifts. This doesn't mean we'd turn down a card or gift, but birthday parties make guests feel obligated to purchase a gift, and make them feel obligated to make an appearance. I would rather see people spend their money on people who need it more (maybe this is their own family, maybe it's a friend or relative of theirs, or maybe it's a complete stranger). I would rather people go to visit a friend or family member who could really use a bit of support.

Birthdays are great. I like cake and love the look of joy on my kids' faces. And there is nothing wrong with celebrating life (which is basically what the purpose of a birthday party should be). But I don't want people to be obligated to celebrate that. And I definitely don't believe it is right to choose celebrating life over lending a helping hand (or at least not lending a hindering hand) to someone in need.

So, the lessons attached to this bitch session...

1) Never, ever, EVER ask someone to care for someone else when it is not your right to make such a request (dumb bitch). I don't care what your intentions are... it is still selfish and rude.

2) Teach your children selflessness. Giving them elaborate birthday parties where people feel obligated to give them presents only teach children to selfishness. And do you really know if these people give a shit? I'd rather receive a handmade card from someone who truly loves me, than a $100 gift from someone whom is only giving it to me as an obligation.

3) Make an effort to be there. Stop in to a neighbor's house to offer spiritual support. Go see that friend and ask if you can help out. Answer that email from someone in desperate need of strength or a friend. Stop treating people in need like they're an inconvenience.

4) Celebrate life. But also remember that life is not forever, so serve people every day, however you can, for as long as you can. Give of yourself.

And most importantly....

5) Always show people you love how much they mean to you. You may not have another chance. They (or you) may not be here tomorrow.

Sunday, October 7, 2012


I'm slipping. Every time I think I've reached the bottom, I slip just a bit more. There's no light anymore, no shadows, nothing. Darkness surrounds everything, everyone, not that anything or anyone exists. I try to scream, but no sound escapes. Not even a whimper, or moan, or whisper. I try to pray, but there is no God to hear my silent plea.

Perhaps no sound or prayer is released for a reason. Perhaps it is true, as I have always known but tried to deny. I don't deserve release from the darkness. I was born here, raised here. It is as much a part of me as I am of it, and I do not deserve anything more or brighter. Perhaps this is why I cannot ask for release.

Why does no one offer to lift me up? Why does no one notice this darkness I live in? Perhaps it is true that the darkness does not surround me, but is within me. It is me. And these people recognize that I am not worthy of the time or energy or salvation. I have sold my soul to the other side, and now continue to suffer for this exchange. I continue to slip into nothingness.