Good riddance 2012!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, every December 31st (or January 1st) I post something. This used to be New Year resolutions. But, as I never hold to those resolutions past January 1st, I came to learn that it was a waste of time to make them. So, a few years ago, I started writing my "Things I learned this year" posts on New Year’s Eve. I will be doing this again, but I think I will also toss in a few resolutions just because I feel like it. So... onto the list of what I've learned this year...

1. Beer tastes so much better in Germany/Austria. 
2. Martinis are GREAT! Especially when enjoyed with good friends in Austria.
3. Schnapps in Austria is not as good as in the US... but packs a much better punch, and isn't half bad when you've already had a few very tall glasses of beer
4. German/Austrian chocolate is the best. As is coffee, and expresso, and pretty much everything over there.
5. Trains are fun!
6. Ghosts really do drain camera batteries.
7. Nothing feels better on a hot summer night than a dip in the pool.
8. I know how to grill! AND… I’m damn good at it!
9. Kids really can be very giving… very selfless.
10. A 3 hour car ride with a pastor while running on very little sleep and a lot of physical labor (i.e. emotionally and physically totally drained)… can be very oddly spiritually uplifting.
11. A 3 day drinking spree can lead to a 3 day puking spree.
12. The saying “If it can go wrong, it will”…. Can and does happen.
13. The saying “God only gives you as much as you can handle”… is bullshit. However, somehow, it does seem the strength to continue handling what is given is strangely there.  
14. There are such things as angels… they may not have wings or a halo, but they are here with us, giving us strength, holding our hands when we need it, lending us a shoulder when we need one, wrapping us in their arms and in love when we need it the most. Thank you.
15. A little spirituality/church/Bible reading/believing isn’t such a bad thing.
16. Cancer is evil and needs to die.
17. I hate emergency rooms/hospitals.
18. Trusting/caring for people isn’t a horrible idea.
19. Losing the one person you’ve allowed yourself to trust is one of the hardest things to deal with, but…
20. When you truly love and trust that person, you know that you will never truly lose them (even if you try obnoxiously to push that person away... stubborn brat).

So, there are the top 20 lessons I learned in 2012. There’s probably actually many more… but this is the ones on the tip of my tongue (fingers) tonight.

NOW… onto the Resolutions!

1.      AFTER this latest bottle of JD is gone, no more drinking (I anticipate this resolution will last a week :-) )

2.      I will attend Church at least 3 weeks a month (gotta give me a week or two to sleep in…or just skip church because I’m lazy… and at 3 weeks a month, that’s still 12 times more than I used to attend church in a year :-)  )

3.      I will write a sermon every week (at least one)

4.      I will have Whispers in the Hall completed by the end of this year (edits and all.. and hopefully on its way to publication)

5.      I will start opening myself up more… letting more people in

6.      I will TRY to not irritate a certain someone via email quite as often (which basically means… 5 times a week rather than 2-3 times a day…)

7.      I WILL fit back into my size 3’s by summer

8.      I will let go of the past and move forward

9.      I will work harder both at home and work, striving to do my best in everything

10.  I will come up with a 10^th resolution :-)

Ok there ya have it…. Coming up with resolutions was actually rather difficult. But anyway, with three hours left of this year… I wish everyone the best in 2013. May you find love… may you reach your dreams – or at least reach for them… and may happiness and peace find and follow you throughout the new year.

To my friends and family… I love you…

Pretty Words to Appease the Psycho

"That was hard... this was harder."
"We should have you over before we leave."
"I do give a shit."
"I am not abandoning you."..."You are worth it"..."You are a friend"
"I want you to see the value... I can see in you."

Such bullshit. 

All it is is pretty words meant to appease me. None of it is meant with any sincerity. And it's taken me this long to figure this out. 

A short while ago, I was angry about this. I wanted to punch a tree... or you. But it's not worth it. You're not worth it. You aren't worth my tears, my anger, my pain. You're just one more uncaring fraud. I'm just confused as to why. Most people want something... think they'll get something out of such pretty words. Or does this all just make you feel worth something... make you feel a little bigger and better when you manipulate someone... when you make someone believe in you? 

If it makes you feel better, you succeeded. You had me completely fooled, and completely believing in you. You had me trusting you. As misplaced as I now realize that trust was, you had me fooled for awhile. I should have trusted my instincts months ago.

Alas, no need to worry. There will be no more crying to you, no more pleading for a few more moments, no more requests for advice. You won.

Will Trade Child for Coffee

Oh payday can't come soon enough. I have enough coffee for one more pot. One more precious pot of yummy caffeinated goodness. One more sweet luscious pot of lovely joyous happiness. And after that one pot, should no more be found?

Death. Destruction. Or at the very least, a very very cranky Brandi. And lemme tell ya.... cranky Brandi is no fun. Well, happy Brandi isn't a whole basket of fluffy kittens either. But cranky Brandi is a basket of angry, razor-sharp-claw kitties.

Kitties...

Kitties are cute. Cats... not so much. Although, apparently, I swing every which way, including to cats. A bit odd, if I may say so. However, the original Beauty and the Beast series... Vincent was cat-like. And incredibly yummy. I had the hugest crush on him. Heck, I'd still chase after him. All he'd have to do is start reciting poetry in that raspy voice... a little Shakespeare... and yup, I'd be his slave forever.

*pause*....

And back. Had to remove a rather constricting article of clothing. Whoever invented that evil contraption is just...well... evil. Which reminds me, I need to purchase more. I've lost about 15 pounds in the last 5 months and 14 of those I think came from my...

OOoooh! I just remembered something.

And, I forgot again.

This babbling thing feels good. I kind of miss doing this. Talking about absolutely nothing for absolutely no reason. Of course, I tend to do this a lot when I'm actually speaking. But, no one likes to speak with me anymore.... I'm not certain why.

So, time to make a shopping list....

coffee
Coffee
COFFEE
WHISKEY
And more whiskey
Oooooooo! TEQUILA!
Canvases (I wanna paint more!)
More paints (I wanna paint more!)
Bleaching kit (I think I wanna go blonde again)
Some shade of blonde (not sure which shade)
Oh hell, maybe I'll just go some shade of bright red?
Food (probably would be good to have some of that in the house)
Duct tape (the crap we bought doesn't work to tape children's mouths shut)
Rope (I wanna see if it's possible to tie my own hands behind my back by myself)

And, I think I'm done for now.

Thank you for tuning in to Psycho Hour :)

Just a wee lil rambling

I can't believe it is already December 26th. Actually, getting closer to the 27th... in many time zones, it's already there. As the last days of 2012 approach, I find my mind beginning to consider what my end of the year/beginning of the year writing will be. Most years recently it has not been about making resolutions. It has been about listing the lessons I learned the past year. I think this will be the route I go again this year. But, I think there may be some resolutions tossed in amongst the memories as well.

But, you shall all have to await Dec 31st. Oh I so hope I can get a bottle of whiskey to ring in the new years. I remember a couple years ago... major blizzard over New Years Eve. But, I was bored (we never do anything on new years) and wanted a drink, so I walked the 6 or 7 blocks to the nearest bar. Of course, I made it half way there, unable to see 5 feet in front of me, and had to wonder what the hell was wrong with me that I would even attempt such a trip. But, I was already half-way there. Didn't make sense to turn around. :)

Anyway, I'm done babbling for the night. I believe I will attempt sleep as I haven't gotten a whole heck of a lot of that in the past few nights. G'night beautiful people :)

Paintings & Poetry

 I painted a couple more pictures today. The first one started because I remembered a few years ago writing poems and lyrics about being between heaven and hell, or something to that affect. The original plan for the painting was going to have flames on the one side, and something more serene on the other side. But, I got as far as is shown below and decided to stop (for now at least). Below the painting is the words to the songs/poems which were the original inspiration for the painting (even though the painting decided to take on a new meaning/life).

Walking the Line
(2003)
walking the line between heaven and hell,
wanting you so, but too scared to tell;
dreaming these dreams, living these lies;
wishing I could tell you how my soul flies;
needing to thank you for making me smile;
wanting to please you if only for a while
walking the line between heaven and hell,
wishing these wishes, but I'll never tell;
cuz I'm walking the line between heaven and hell;

I'm walking the line, teetering on the edge;
as to myself, vows of love I pledge;
walking the line, trembling inside,
knowing this love is something I have to hide;

I'm walking the line, with no safety net,
wishing your smile I could simply forget;
walking the line between heaven and hell;
oh how I need you, but I can never tell

walking the line between heaven and hell,
in my dreams you'll always dwell;
the touch of your hand, the sparkle in your eyes;
I'm always so happy living these lies;
what do I do, where do I turn,
I can't just tell you how you make me burn;
I don't know where to go, so I keep walking the line;
looking in your eyes, waiting for a sign

Heaven and Hell
(7/16/2005)
Heaven's fire and hell's sweet grace
Pain exploding as dreams erase
Nighttime whispers of daylight's tears
Come and live within my fears

Heaven's torture and hell's sweet light
Let go of love without a fight
Feel the daytime hide from the dark
Knowing it can never be the spark

Heaven's pain and hell's sweet peace
And satan signs another lease
Feel the light crawl into the shadow
Come be mine in this darkened glow

LIVIN’ IN YOUR HEAVEN
(1/17/04)

I'm livin in your heaven,
You're livin in my hell
Can't you see I'm burnin
More than words can tell
And I can see you glowin
My soul is all I had to sell
Yet I rose up to heaven
The day my angel fell

I just gotta ask you
What happened to your wings?
Where is the innocent song
That your heart softly sings?

And I just gotta ask you
Was it because of me?
When heaven collided with hell
Was it as you thought it would be?

Did I turn my sweet angel
Into a blood-crazed demon?
Was bringing me to the clouds
Just something to do for fun?

Cuz I'm livin in your heaven,
You're livin in my hell
Can't you see I'm burnin
More than words can tell
And I can see you glowin
My soul is all I had to sell
Yet I rose up to heaven
The day my angel fell

Can you feel me burning?
Can you feel me turn to stone?
Until you brought me to heaven's gate,
I had never heard an angel moan.

And I just gotta ask you
Did it hurt when you fell?
Can you still feel the bruises
When heaven collided with hell?

Cuz I'm livin in your heaven,
You're livin in my hell
Can't you see I'm burnin
More than words can tell
And I can see you glowin
My soul is all I had to sell
Yet I rose up to heaven
The day my angel fell

I can still hear your screams,
(Can you still feel my heat?)
I can still feel your dreams
(But do you still feel complete?)

Cuz I'm living in your heaven
(Won't you let me take you to hell)
Can't you see I'm burnin
(I need you more then words can tell)
And I can see you glowing
(My body is all I have to sell)
Oh baby I rose to heaven
(You made heaven collide with hell)

And I turned my sweet angel
Into a blood-crazed demon
Bringing me to the clouds
Was just something to do for fun.

Cuz I'm livin in your heaven,
You're livin in my hell
Can't you see I'm burnin
More than words can tell
And I can see you glowin
My soul is all I had to sell
Yet I rose up to heaven
The day my angel fell

Cuz I'm livin in your heaven,
You're livin in my hell

I'm livin in your heaven,
Heaven collided with hell

I'm livin in your heaven,
You're livin in my hell

I'm livin in your heaven,
Heaven collided with hell

-----------------------------------------------

The other painting I did tonight...

Earlier, my husband came and sat on the bed beside me where I was listening to London After Midnight music and reading the lyrics to some of their songs. He asked if I was trying to get some inspiration, to which I said yes. So he suggested I do a painting of "Drip Drip Drip." Drip was a poem I wrote before he and I met... shortly before my 18th birthday... and was one of two poems written originally in my own blood (yes, I was a bit emo/psycho back then). So of course I joked that I'd have to do the painting in blood... and he suggested I drain a little of my blood into a cup...

But moving along, I did create the painting... and no, I did not use real blood. Here is the painting and the original inspirational poem...

Drip
(10/17/92)

Drip.  Drip.  Drip.
Red.  Black.  Red.
        Silver on Flesh.
Drip.
        Drip.
                Drip.
Sea of Red.
Black sea of Red.
        Silver on Flesh.
Slipping.
              Slitting.
                          Slicing.
No.  No.  Yes.
Yes.  No.  Yes.
Red, Red, Red.
Black.
Silver.
Black and Silver.
         Silver on Flesh.
Red from Flesh.
Flesh from Red.
Red.
       Black;
                 Silver,
                           Flesh?
Drip.  Drip.  Drip.
Black sea.
Red sea.
Red love.
       Black heart.
       Red heart.
Black hate.

More Artwork

Now that I've fixed my easel, and dug out all my paintings, and repainted some of the bad paintings, turning them into blank canvases, I have had the opportunity to spill my creating juices over these blank canvases, coming up with brilliant works of art. Ok, so, maybe not so brilliant. In fact, they barely pass for art. However, I have decided to share the 4 I created yesterday (which I finished touching up today)....

Please feel free to let me know what you think. I like comments :)

Wiping the canvas clean

A few weeks ago, I was telling a friend how sometimes I just need a blank canvas... how this canvas is something I can write on without concern of how others may interpret the words. And how this canvas is, in a way, a portal to a higher power... in that no one but he knows what's on the canvas. And each time I need to ramble again, whether to divulge life-altering secrets or just to bitch, I start on a new blank canvas.

For the past week, I have wanted to paint. But, I don't have any blank canvases. All my canvases had something painted on them... but some were either unfinished, or just not good, so I painted over them. I couldn't wipe away the crap, but I could paint over them so they look almost new.

Thinking of both of these - starting a new blog/email on a new blank canvas, or painting over the junk so as to have a blank canvas...

We also have these options in life... in relationships and goals and most everything. I usually just paint over the crap. But it's still there. It's still hiding beneath. This is what I've been trying to do for the past 6 months or so. I've been painting over the person I was, trying to replace her with a new trusting, trustworthy, "good" person. But, it's just paint. It comes off.

It's time to recognize when a blank canvas is a good idea, and how to create such a canvas so that it is indeed new, and not just repainted. I cannot repaint myself... not if I want it to stick. This canvas will have to remain as it is, slightly damaged, not well painted, and a bit tattered around the edges.

That said, I do believe it is time to find a new canvas... a new blank page to write all my troubles. A new blank page to tell my deepest secrets and wildest dreams and everything and nothing to all at the same time... a new blank canvas without a heartbeat... a new blank canvas which will not make me feel the weight of my words upon the canvas, nor the heartache of losing that canvas.

So upon this blank canvas, I resolve to no longer change, to no longer trust in a living canvas, to no longer repaint that which doesn't deserve to be repainted.

Artwork

Several years ago, I got interested in painting and drawing. Now, I rather suck at both, but, the interest is still there. I generally really get into this form of creative outlet when I'm unable to write. Well, a few days ago, I had a serious desire to paint. So I scoured the house trying to find a blank canvas I could paint on But, I couldn't find one. Tonight, I finally managed to find a few - not blank ones, but canvases that can be painted over as they were unfinished anyway. And, upon finding them, the desire to paint left.

So instead I pulled out all the paintings I could find that I have done and looked through them. And remembered that I had a few of them which I had taken pictures of a year years ago. So, I decided to post them here.

Without further ado... a look at some of my favorite paintings...

 

This is only a small handful - and only the ones I already have on my computer. Perhaps later tonight I will get some more onto my computer.

Additionally, I will do drawings and sketches, scan them onto my computer, and color them/alter them. Here are some of my favorites:

 

 

A few otherhobbies include a) making web graphics; b) adding my poetry, or bits of my poetry to images; and c) altering photos to turn them into interesting graphics.  Below is a small gathering of such works...

Excerpt from 'Whispers in the Hall'

 I closed down my blog "The Bottom Shelf" as no one reads it, and it so rarely gets updated by me. But, I figured I'd post a short clip from Whispers that I wrote tonight (and yes, those who keep up with what I'm working on, I AM still working on Whispers. I figure I'll actually finish it in about 15 years...). 

--------------

River opened the email hesitantly. He knew by Mara’s attitude earlier that day there was something wrong, although he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what. She seemed to be flip-flopping her moods quite frequently as of late. It worried him a bit, but she had been dealing with a lot in the past few years, and with so many changes happening recently, he could understand her being a bit stranger than usual.

“Hi...What the hell is wrong with me? And how the hell dare you!?” the email started. River took a deep breath, quickly scrolling to see how long the email was. He closed his eyes briefly after seeing the length, and then continued to read.

“You’ve been manipulating me every step of the way. And I continue to believe you. I continue to turn a blind eye to that manipulation. I have changed everything I am and everything I believe, for you. I have given everything I have, for you. I have let people in, tried to love and trust, because that’s what you wanted.

“Who I am now... is not me. And it’s not who I want to be. It’s who you wanted me to be, and whom I tried to be just to make you happy. But you never once cared if I was happy. You never gave a shit how I really felt or what I wanted. You simply molded me as you would a piece of clay. And now, you’re leaving that clay to sit on a dusty shelf as you walk away from it.

“Well I can tell ya two things. One - good. I’m glad you’re leaving and that I found out just how little you actually care before I embarrassed myself any more. You really must’ve enjoyed laughing at how easy it was to manipulate me… to make me care… to make me do everything and anything you wanted.

“And two – even if I did want to change and be this oh-so-wonderful person you keep trying to make me, it can’t happen with you a thousand miles away. I can't do it on my own. You are what gave me the strength to make these changes, and without you, it won't happen. So I sit as clay on a dusty shelf, drying up, becoming even more useless and unwanted.

“I know you don’t want me to say it again, and you won’t believe it, but I’m done. I’m done with the emails, and the visits. I’m done with changing for you, and believing in the comfort of your hugs. I’m done with feeling miserable and watching you ever so happy in your decision to walk away. I’m just done.”

River slammed his fist onto the table…

----------------

Ok, so it's not very long, but I'm getting a bit tired and well, I'm not quite sure how River is going to react yet. Maybe another hour of dancing to MeatLoaf will bring a bit more inspiration to finish writing this scene. 

I want your heart broken
Some sign of emotion
I want to see the tears tumble down
Show me I meant something
And that you feel nothing
But your world crashing to the ground

(MeatLoaf – Cry Over Me)