2010

I really can't complain about 2010. Granted, it had it's downs. But, it had a lot of ups as well.

My writing has seemed to dwindle this year, several of my works not seeing much, if any, change in the past twelve months. And my husband's health slipped earlier this year, to the point where we're sitting on the edge of needing a kidney transplant. But, the health is holding steady now - not getting better, but not needing that surgery quite yet. And the writing has been temporarily replaced with me going back to school for a degree in computer information technology.

I also got a new job this year, one which I love and enjoy. Again, no where near the vicinity of writing, but this is okay with me. Having multiple personalities, it is often necessary to have a wide array of interests just to keep everyone happy.

I've had many old friends come stumbling back into my life, friends which I've missed through the years, and love dearly. And above all, I have the greatest children I could ever ask for. Yes, they drive me nuts, but they're all good kids with their own strengths - strengths which are becoming more evident as they get older. I've seen another child start high school this year, and one start junior high. One has been researching colleges.

I've had my bouts of slipping into that dark place, of remembering those I've lost. And have had friends who've stumbled and are now lost to us. Not a day has gone by this year that I haven't thought about my brothers, Brandon and Matthew, two lovely, loving boys who will live in my heart forever, and who I know are watching over me and the rest of my siblings. But through the strength and love of family and friends, the tears don't fall quite as often.

So, to all I hold dear, Happy New Year. Thank you for helping me through another year and I hope you all have a wonderful 2011.

I Suck...

Yes, as of late, my writing has taken a downhill spiral. I used to be able to write poems and stories which, although I always thought sucked, others enjoyed. And I always could at least say they had a bit of a flow to them. The words would spring from my fingertips quickly and easily; my brain always moving just a hair quicker than I was able to write or type.

But now? Now I get it started, and it's flowing for a few lines, and then it happens. I can't think of the right word or worry the flow isn't happening. I'm searching for soemthing specific instead of just letting myself feel it. And it comes out sounding forced, lacking any special qualities.

Maybe it's because I'm starting out knowing what I want and trying too desperately to get that result. Maybe it's because my talent is dwindling. Maybe it's because I never had any talent and am just now starting to realize it.

Maybe I'm just out of practice and I need to write more and torment people more. Yes, that could be it. Ok so there is a minor flaw to that - I don't have any people who read this. But, no matter. I have voices in my head which will be thrilled (or not) to be tormented. Yes, yes. Torment is such fun.

Make Love to a Memory

Woke up the other day, crying out your name
And now here you are, and I’m feeling just the same
As I did so many years ago, and every night since then
You were just a memory, now you’re touching me again

And it still feels right, even though I know it’s wrong
And it still feels so good, like it has felt all along

But I don’t want make love
to a memory anymore
I don’t want to hold on
To a ghost of what came before
I don’t want to hurt that way
When you walked out the door
I don’t want to make love
To your memory anymore

Let’s make a new memory
A new dream for me tonight
Please don’t pull away
From a love that feels right
I don’t want to be alone
As I’ve been since you walked out the door
And I don’t want to make love
To your memory anymore.


Where did it all go bad, that all I have is a memory
Why did we fall apart, when it had been you and me
Should I have let you go, should you have let me run
Where did it go wrong, when love had just begun

Can we rebuild our love, can we pick up the pieces
Can we try again, can we make more memories

Cuz I don’t want make love
to a memory anymore
I don’t want to hold on
To a ghost of what came before
I don’t want to hurt that way
When you walked out the door
I don’t want to make love
To your memory anymore

Let’s make a new memory
A new dream for me tonight
Please don’t pull away
From a love that feels right
I don’t want to be alone
As I’ve been since you walked out the door
And I don’t want to make love
To your memory anymore.

A Bad Remake

The actors are all the same. Older, but the same. The setting, a bit different, but unimportant.

The characters:
Jimmy, the ever there (but most likely wishing he wasn't there) friend
Galen, the unrequited love. Or, more accurately, the one who can never be
Grant, the stable one. The no-strings-attached, turned wtf?
Carl, the one not written in, but suddenly there as he always was
Tommy, the reluctant friend. A great guy, but intelligently always staying out of the mainstream issues.
Mara, the multi-personality dimwitted dumbass


It always seemed it was these people. They were there in the beginning, in one way or another. No matter how much Mara tried to ignore what was there, it would never leave. She would always find herself torn between different loves and desires. And now, as life continues for her, she with her consistent bouncing between grant and galen and river (another party of this novel), another comes into play. And another. This story is quickly becoming out of control. Quickly becoming a thing of the past. Something she ran away from, but seems to have run directly into.

This all said, "Whispers in the Hall" will be done soon for all to read who really want to...

Lessons learned in 2010

While everyone else sits around making New Year's resolutions which will be broken before January 1st is over, I like to look back on the year and what I've learned. And so here are just a few lessons I have learned in 2010.

1) Drinking and emailing people is just bad. If you're lucky, the receiver of the email won't be able to read the bad typing. But, as is usually the case, they will be able to read and understand it...and you'll be really wishing you could hit an undo button.

2) Sometimes, the first step in forgiving someone, is forgiving yourself.

3) Forgiveness actually can be a great feeling, and can lead to good friendships (again).

4) Often times, the person you trust most will be the person to let you down. And the person you least expect to treat you like dirt, will be the one to do so.

5) True friendships remain true and strong no matter how many years pass by.

6) It IS possible to stay drunk for 4 days straight. This, however, is strongly NOT recommended.

7) Teenagers are completely stupid...just as stupid as we were at that age.

8) There is absolutely nothing wrong with having voices in your head. And if they ever tell you otherwise, kick 'em out.

9) Remember when your parents said "I hope when you have a kid, that she is JUST LIKE YOU!"? Yeah, it will happen. And you'll find yourself wishing the exact same thing on your children.

10) Having to call the ambulance twice within one weekend will drive you to the brink of insanity. However, you do find out exactly how strong you are when you're at your weakest.

11) Life still sucks. But, maybe not as much as I once believed.

12) Vincent from Beauty and the Beast is still a turn on. As are vampires. There's something about darkness that is very compelling.

And the most important thing I've learned this year...

13) I truly am blessed. I have a great family, including a husband of 17 years, children who drive me nuts but are my life, and the best friends a person could ever ask for, and a wonderful fulfilling job, two sisters who mean the world to me, my unofficial family who is still in my life, and so much more.

Let's fight fate today

Ok, this is definitely not my best. It started out so good, but then I got distracted. But, here it is anyway...

Let's Fight Fate Today

I wrote your name on my wall
You were the one in my dream
always extreme,
you made me fall

I wrote your name in the sand
It was always meant to be
you and me,
hand in hand

But that's not the cards we were dealt
it doesn't matter what we felt
Fate never wanted us to be
the way we knew we should be

But please let's fight fate today
Please don't let it win
Our destiny should be our own
ohh I don't wanna be alone

Ohhh please, let's fight fate today


I cried your name into the night
You've always been the one i need
don't make me plead,
be mine tonight

But that's not the cards we were dealt
it doesn't matter what we felt
Fate never wanted us to be
the way we knew we should be

But please let's fight fate today
Please don't let it win
Our destiny should be our own
ohh I don't wanna be alone

Ohhh please, let's fight fate today

What is Our Purpose:

What is Our Purpose: (reposting as I seem to have deleted the original)

First, allow me to begin by giving you all a short history lesson. Millions of years ago there was a big ball of essence, one all powerful soul. Consider something along the lines of the Big Bang theory, as it would pertain to this ball of energy. It was split into hundreds of thousands of families. Through the years each of these families split, and these newly split souls split again, this time just once, into twins. Just as generations of families inherit similar characteristics, so did these souls that belong within families. They share similar thoughts and desires, likes and dislikes, dreams and fears.

These families make up soul mates. Every soul has a few or perhaps several soul mates - people that they know they belong with. These don’t have to be lovers, although they usually are because they share a similar passion. Also, each soul has a twin soul. This twin soul again can be anyone, not necessarily a lover. It’s the person whose thoughts you can sense or read, almost as if there is some form of telepathy between you both. It’s the person who, no matter the miles between you, can sense when you’re in pain, or when you’re happy. Neither of you are truly happy unless the other is.

Now consider this - if neither soul is happy without their twin, and no soul is complete without it’s family, then it stands to reason that our purpose in life is to find these other souls. To complete oneself and one’s family. We all wander the earth through time, seeking out that completion, that oneness that we all deserve. We may not always like our soul family, may not get along. This is true in any family. But there is always a sense of belonging or loyalty to these families. We know that we must continue to search, to unite each twin, each family, and eventually be reunited into one complete essence. Of course, for a million years this has not happened yet - we have not been able to finish our task due to the short life-span of humans. The soul lives forever, constantly seeking, yet the body dies.

Perhaps these souls enter another human when their original host dies. Most likely, that host wasn’t even the original host. But through this changing of bodies, comes a change of location. Perhaps one soul has found its twin in Canada somewhere, but the twin’s host body dies. That soul is then put into someone in Ireland. Eventually these two souls will find each other again, but it probably won’t be until they’ve both been through several hosts. In other words, our lives are a constant, seemingly never-ending search for completion. It’s part of a continuous battle that has existed for thousands of centuries.

Of course, this is just one odd theory, but it sounded good when it came into my thoughts. It could just as easily be possible that we’re simply pawns in a game of chess being played by gods or demons.

The Best and Worst Dedication Songs

How many of you have had a song dedicated to you? Or have dedicated a song to their significant other? I think it's fairly safe to say we all have at one point or another.

Now then, for those over the age of 35 - how many of you have had a Chicago song dedicated to you?

I only ask this because that was one group I remember being a common dedication, particularly "You're the Inspiration." Boring. I am sorry for everyone I've offended with this, but truly, this song is a boring dedication. It's cliche. It's been done before. Hundreds of thousands of young girls swooned when this song came on the radio because their boyfriend had dedicated the song to her. And it isn't just this song or this group. Every generation has its share of cliche dedication songs. And quite honestly, the guys who dedicate these songs have no imagination whatsoever. In fact, I'd say it really is no different than the guys in the 80's and 90's (and before and after) - dedicate sappy swoon-worthy love song, get in girl's pants.

But honestly, if girls are going to swoon over an over-dedicated song, they're stupid. I know. I've been stupid.

So what are the best dedication songs? Easy - songs that remind you of him/her. Did you dance to a particular song on a night you'll always remember? Is the lyrics so completely him/her? For example, have you caught your girlfriend singing and dancing in the kitchen, thinking no one is watching? Dedicate Joe Nichols' song "Gimme that Girl" to her. Or maybe she likes taking long baths and dancing in the rain, and cries during old movies. Dedicate John Michael Montgomery "I love the Way You Love Me."

Country obviously isn't the only music for dedications. I've just simply been in a country mood lately, and therefore those are at the tip of my fingers more-so than anything else.

Maybe there's a song you used to jokingly sing to someone else (i.e. "You're Every Woman in the World" sang by girlfriend to boyfriend...). This is a good memory, though silly and stupid. But it's a song you'll remember forever because of the memory attached to it.

Basically, the moral of this long rambling - Don't be boring. If you're going to dedicate a song, make it mean something. Don't dedicate one of those stupid you're everything to me....you're beautiful...I love you just the way you are...blah blah blah songs.

move on...

The past rarely ever turns out how we thought it would. No matter where we are now, no matter how happy or unhappy we are, no matter what dreams we've found or haven't found...the past is never what we wanted at that time.

In high school, we were either the unpopular seeking popularity, or we were the popular one wishing we didn't have to do some of the stupid things we did. In both high school and college, we were always chasing after that one person we never could get. Or, if we did get lucky enough to get, it didn't turn out how we wanted it.

We always felt we could be more, love more, dream more. But it never happened. Or if it did, it was never the way it should have been.

So, years down the road, when faced with those memories again - when smacked across the face with the dreams of a child - we find ourselves slipping into the same state of mind. We find ourselves just as helpless and hopeless as we were many years before. Certain people or situations trigger this. And the more people or situations that remind us of this time, the more we slip back in time, so much so we cannot control the out of control emotions raging through us.

We could just erase these people and situations. This would solve the problem. Yet, we find ourselves unable to take that step. Our finger rests on the delete button, knowing we'd be deleting all the problems and dark thoughts. Yet we cannot do it. We cannot erase those negative times. We survive off those negative thoughts. They are what made us who we are, and continue to make us who you see before us today.