Thursday, November 4, 2010

Why Now?

This afternoon, while in a NyQuil induced state, I had a dream that left me a bit confused and curious. In it, someone I knew many years ago was telling me that he'd really like to know why I hate him. I tried interrupting him, cutting him off and reminding him, and I almost did but then I got awakened, with a tear streaming down my cheek.

This someone was an old boyfriend. He was incredibly good looking, and very passionate. I remember kissing in the rain (or was it in the snow?), and making out to an old Chicago song. But, it was during a, well, odd time in my life. I'm not sure I can say honestly that I loved him. Nor can I say with all honesty that I didn't love him. I was sleeping with his best friend and in love with his roommate. I do know that much.

But as I was saying, this old flame and I didn't date for long. Shortly after we started dating, I left home. And somehow through it all, he became abusive. Maybe it was just a fluke thing (twice), but I wasn't going to take my changes. I had been beaten and abused since I was a little girl, and I wanted nothing to do with it now. When he twisted my arm behind my back, I let it go. When he pushed me into a wall, I walked away. Or rather, ran and hid. I only saw him twice after that if I remember correctly. And that was 18 years ago.

So why now, after 18 years, does he appear in my dreams, with no recollection of what had transpired between us? Why now do I shed a tear over a time best forgotten? Why now does the memory haunt me?

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