Saturday, February 2, 2013

Will You Try?

I just watched an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. I really should never watch this show. Most of the time it's children who are raped, molested, or beaten. And every so often, one of these really triggers a pain and an assortment of flash backs. Tonight, it was difficult to make it through the episode. And yet, I found myself unable to turn away. A priest was beaten by two men. The reason - the men believed this priest had molested the sister of one of them. It turns out, he hadn't actually been the abuser... he was protecting another priest who had molested this young girl... had gotten her pregnant... had forced her to have an abortion... had been the cause of her addiction to alcohol and drugs.

It really is so easy to point the finger at other people. I was raped - this is why I drink. I was molested - this is why I sleep with everyone. I was beaten - this is why I do drugs. It's kind of funny actually... I have heard so many times that those who abuse, will abuse. I've heard abusers use that excuse - well, this is what happened to me. And I've always wanted to smack these idiots upside the head. That makes no sense - to abuse someone else because you were abused??? Tell me how the hell that makes sense. BUT, the rest... the alcohol, drugs, sex, self-destructive actions? THOSE make sense. But no one tries to understand those. No one cares why you can't open yourself up to love. No one understands why you can't trust. No one understands why you want to die. You have it all - a good home, great family, decent life. Why wouldn't you be happy? They can't grasp it. They can't understand it all.

Will you try?

Just now, most of you thought, "Of course I will." And most of you just lied to yourself.

Hmmm... that assumption isn't fair, you think? Or even worse, you believe you're one of the very few that I excluded when I said "most of you"?

Let me ask you this...

Imagine you're 5 or 6 years old, or thereabouts... someone you know and trust forces you to touch them in places you know you shouldn't touch. And they touch you there. And you know it's wrong. And you know you have to. And you're scared. You're scared to tell. You know you did something wrong, and you're going to get in trouble.

Imagine you're 8-10 years old, or thereabouts... someone you know and trust punches you in the face, and throws you against the wall. When you crumble to the ground, this person proceeds to kick you in the ribs, the legs, the back, wherever. You know you can't fight back - this person is an adult. You know you can't ever tell anyone. You'll get taken away and put in foster care where things will be so much worse. Or, you won't get taken away - instead, this person will kill you.

Imagine you're 14-16 years old, or thereabouts... someone you know and... well...almost trust (by this time, you really don't trust anyone) throws you to the ground in a secluded area of a park. You try to push him off, but he has his way with you. And your body responds. And as much as you say no and push, you know it's your fault. You know you let it happen. Obviously, despite your "no", you wanted it.

Imagine you're 18 years old, or thereabouts... someone you know (we won't even pretend you trust) twists your arms behind your back until you do what he wants. A few days later, he shoves you hard against the wall, hitting you. You let him. You walk away, believing you deserve better.


Imagine it. Imagine where the rest of your life would be. Imagine what you truly would be. How would you end up? Would you ever love? Could you? Would you ever trust again? Could you? Would you ever be 'right'?

Sadly, imagining it will never really be enough for anyone to understand. You need to experience it. You need to truly feel it to know it. But most of you haven't even tried to really understand it. You read these words without really caring what they mean. You read these words with a roll of your eyes, thinking "oh geez... there she goes again"..."get over it already."

Will you try? Will you truly try to understand the darkness in my soul, the pain in my eyes, the fear in my heart?


No, you won't. Because you can't. Because you don't want to. Because it's easier to roll your eyes and assume I'm just being stupid.

I tried. I was asked to trust, and I did. I was asked to love, and I did. Why won't you try?

Tonight's Playlist:

I started last night with adding the "tonight's playlist" - just because I thought it would be cool to add a few of the songs I listened to either before or during the writing of the blog post. Tonight, I want to say... EVERY song on this play list should be listened to. They all have to do with the subject matter, and are very good.

Big and Rich - Holy Water 
Carrie Underwood - Blown Away
Martina McBride - Concrete Angel
Marina McBride - Independence Day
Collin Raye - 11th Commandment
Matthew West - Broken Girl

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