Hiding

I was watching the reality show "So You Think You Can Dance" tonight, and there was one beautiful dancer on there whom was chastised for not showing emotion. Ah, how many times I've been there, burying that emotion, whether by accident or design.

I don't know her story. Every story is different. Every hardship which forces us to hide the laughter and tears - it's always different. Perhaps she was turned down too many times. Perhaps it has nothing to do with her dancing. Perhaps she was abused. Perhaps she was used one too many times. I don't know.

But I do know that she was chastised for her lack of emotion. And on her next performance, that emotion was there.

And I do know... most of us who have that emotion buried... there is usually someone out there who can pull it out of us. You never know who; you never know when. But eventually someone will come along whom you find yourself unable to hide from. He or she can pull the real smiles and tears from you - not the forced ones you find yourself showing others at appropriate times. He or she makes you feel, whether you want to or not, whether it hurts or not. This person brings it out of you. This person brings out the fear, the sorrow, the anger, the joy - all of it real, and all of it strong.

And I do know... the people who are capable of doing this are few and far between. And this is considering you're lucky enough to find even one. I was that lucky. And then I wasn't. To go from not showing emotion, to oddly feeling perfectly okay with letting people see the real you, to suddenly going back to not being able to show that emotion...

Have you ever read Flowers for Algernon? Geez I can't recall how many years ago it was that I read this novel. It must have been my very early high school or college years. But basically, it's how it feels to have something you've never known suddenly in your life... then lose it. When you don't have someone you can trust to show yourself to for so many years... you have no clue what you're missing. Then suddenly, you have this. You know the incredible feeling it is to be able to let someone in. You feel the light, the warmth. You feel the tears... but they don't frighten or truly depress you. You know you're taken care of. You know it will be ok. And then it's stripped away.

Not knowing what you're missing is oh so much better than knowing. THAT is the plot behind Flowers of Algernon. And this is the plot behind this post. Or, part of it anyway. Oh hell, I don't even remember what the plot was regarding this post. And therefore, I shall hush.




tonight's playlist (... this playlist is bouncing between youtube, cmt and gac... and includes many more than what is written here. This is just the ones I remembered to write down...)

Chris Isaak - Wicked Game
Kenny Chesney - Come Over
Train - Bruises
Kelly Clarkson/Vince Gill - Don't Rush