I sit here, staring at this white screen, trying to come up with something to say. Something earth-shattering to spill from my fingers. Or, perhaps it isn't earth-shattering that I am looking for. Perhaps what I am looking for is simply something that will shatter you - your heart, your soul, your obnoxious self-control. Perhaps it is simply something that will make you cry, or hurt, or show some anger.
I want to come up with some biting phrase that will rattle you. A paragraph that will drive you to tears. A page that will make you want to smash your screen into bits. Or maybe make you want to grab me and either shake me or kiss me - or perhaps both.
But, I know this is a silly endeavor. I know there is nothing I could do to elicit any form of impassioned response. Or any form of impassive response. Or any response whatsoever. This would require some emotion. Some form of actual feeling towards me, be that feeling love or hate. Yet there is nothing. I know this. I hate it. But I know this.
And so I sit here, staring at this white screen, trying to come up with something to say. Something intellectual to spill from my fingers. Something that will stir a desire from you to discuss something meaningful. Yet even this turns up nothing. It's all dark and blank and non-existent. It's all simply dead. If it were even ever alive.
I don't think it was. I think it was all a lie. It never existed. It never held any truth. It was simply a string of lies, but for what purpose?
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I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer earlier tonight. Actually, we were watching the musical - and fast-forwarding to the songs we liked best. Spike. Ahh how I do love Spike. There is so much passion within him. But, there is also love.
At the risk of sounding like a sadly pathetic Buffy fan (which, I am)...
Buffy had two main men (love affair men... not men in general) in her life (I don't count Riley simply because, I didn't like him): Angel, and Spike. Many people argue that Angel was the better love...the truer love. I don't agree with this. Angel had a soul. Everything he did was because of this. He helped Buffy, because he had to. Those of you with a soul... with a conscience... should understand this. You do good things because otherwise you're wracked with guilt. But Spike? He had no conscience.... no soul. And yet he still loved her. He still helped her. He did things for her because of a love that went deeper than a simple soul.
I think this is the kind of love we all desire.... a love that is there not because someone has to love us. I don't want someone to love me simply because they feel this is what they're supposed to do. I don't want someone to be here for me just because their conscience tells them they should be. I don't want someone to pretend to care just because otherwise they might feel some sense of guilt. Or because they feel some sense of responsibility.
I want to be loved, and held, and heard because that is what someone wants to do. I want to be loved, and held, and heard for no reason other than the other person wants to love and hold and listen.
Perhaps this is too much to expect.
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It's very simple, you know. Just a few small words. Two would suffice. "Shut up." Or, you could go with three... "Leave me alone." Or, perhaps you prefer being a bit wordier - to soften the blow a little. "I do care about you, but I think... blah blah blah." But seriously, any of these will work. Just don't pretend. Stop pretending. Stop acting. You aren't good at it. And to care just because you think that's what is expected of you? That's just stupid. It's a waste of your time, and mine.
And so I ask of you... put something on this blank screen. Something for me to read. Give me some truth to absorb. Give me a reason.
Ah, even as I say the words "give me some truth", I know within myself that I don't want truth. I want what I want to hear. I want to dream. Or, at least, part of me does. But, I don't want this as a lie... I want the dream to be the truth. This reminds me of a sonnet I wrote many years ago. Well, actually, it only reminds me of the last two lines. And, because the rest of the sonnet really sucks, I shall only post the last two lines. From Sonnet 1, written 11/2/92...
"And now I ask of you, my readers dear—
What you do think, yet what I long to hear."
Ah! I also like the last two lines of Sonnet 10, written sometime in 1999...
"Truth and dreams both whisper desperate pleas
And yet here lies the lies of memories."
And with that, I slowly and quietly slink into the shadows...
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Tonight's Playlist:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer - The Musical...
- Rest in Peace
- Standing in the Way
- Walk Through the Fire
- Life's a Show
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