Dangers of Drinking and/or Thinking

I think everyone is aware of most of the dangers of drinking. For example - don't drive if you've been drinking... your reflexes are slower and thus accidents can happen. In fact, don't play with anything that requires reflexes (or could potentially require this). Power tools - potentially bad. Fire - potentially stupid. You get the point.

And of course, there are often dangers of waking up with someone you've never met before, or that you would never go home with when you're in the right state of mind. Bad choices are quite synonymous with drinking.

But, what about speaking and/or thinking?

I don't know if too many people realize the potential danger behind opening your mouth if you've been drinking. Or, just as dangerous, emailing someone. I can't speak for others - but for myself, I tend to be brutally honest when I'm drinking. Things I would otherwise not tell them, I'm more than happy to ramble. I've picked fights, told people to go to hell, told people more about my life than they (or anyone else) wants to know, and the list goes on.

Anyway, this was going to be a much longer, fun post, but apparently I'm still feeling like crap and am just too tired to type (and this is not caused by drinking).

Defense Mechanisms

The other day I was having a conversation with someone, and this person pointed out my tendency to deflect when a conversation gets to a serious topic, or a topic I just don't want to discuss/deal with, or when a topic is one that can/will cause me pain. I actually found this somewhat unexpected... first, because while I know I do tend to use defense mechanisms, that is one I never realized I do use; and second, that someone recognized this in me.

So, I decided to look up different defense mechanisms and think about which ones actually apply to me. These, and the definitions, all come from http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Stress-related_Disorders/Defenses (all in bold are basically direct quotes from this site):

Repression/suppression: One way to deal with emotional pain is to not think about what has happened.

Basically, this just means the problem gets ignored/pushed to the back of someone's mind. I did this a lot with what I went through as a child. I barely recall the sexual molestation, and can only remember some of the physical abuse.

Displacement: Displacement is simply taking an emotion that belongs in one situation and displaying it in another.

I think everyone does this to some degree - someone pisses you off, but you can't yell at that person because of consequences, so you take your anger out on other people (i.e. family). I try NOT to do this, but it's an easy one for people to do.

Projection: Projection is the process of taking feelings we have about ourselves (usually painful feelings) and focusing them on other people.

While I don't think I do this, it is possible I have in the past. I just know it isn't a common defense mechanism of mine.

Denial: Denial is the refusal to believe or accept the reality that certain events have happened (are happening) or will happen. Co-Relation: Related to denial is the defense called minimizing.

Minimizing: Events are accepted, but only in a watered down version. Example: Sure I drink once in a while. Everybody does. It's no big deal. Once in a while I might get carried away, but it really isn't a problem.

I don't think I use either of these (denial or minimizing). If anything, I might tend to minimize what is going on. But again, not a common one.

Withdrawal: Withdrawal is usually used when a person is afraid of rejection or afraid to fail."

Hmmm, yeah, I've used this one a lot, and still do.

Co-Relation: Closely related to withdrawal are: Avoidance and Deflection

Avoidance: 

This is as the name suggests - one will avoid speaking about a problem or being around people  I might be guilty of this one, too.

Deflection: Deflection is a method of changing a subject that is or might be painful.

This is the one that has recently been brought to my attention, and it was said that it is humor I usually use as my method. For example, if someone brings up a sensitive subject, I will make a joke to lighten the mood, change the subject, or otherwise just move along.

Rationalization: Rationalization is to justify your behavior or to make excuses for your behavior.

Yeah, I have to confess to this one also. I'm always making excuses for being stupid.... just generally, the excuses are dumber than the stupid thing I did in the first place. 

Fantasy: When the world of everyday life becomes too painful or difficult too bear, some people turn to the inner world of fantasy.

This one is probably the one I use most often, although not as much any more. As a kid/teenager, I lived in a fantasy world whenever possible. I remember doing this while being molested as well as a way of blocking out what was happening. It's still a very easy thing to slip into.

Intellectualization: In order to avoid experiencing his real feelings a person may discuss his problem(s) in an analytical, rational, intellectual way.

This one I am also guilty of. Usually, whenever I talk about some of the things I've gone through, I do so very analytically. I don't allow emotion to play into the description at all, or explain my feelings. There are only a few people who've heard me describe these events without using this technique. I never realized it was a defense mechanism before.

Procrastination: Procrastination is another way to avoid painful feelings by convincing yourself that a problem can be dealt with later.

Yup... not a common mechanism of mine when it comes to dealing with painful feelings (rarely use this one), I am a procrastinator. For example... I really do need to make that phone call, but don't want to deal with it.

Reaction-formation: This defense is simply faking your feelings or expressing the opposite of what you really feel.

And, another yup. Been there, done that, and still do occasionally.

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Ok so if I counted right, I use/have used 7 of these fairly often. The rest I either don't use, or rarely use. Hmm... not sure what that says about me :/

Rambly

Good evening Ladies and Gents! Of course, most of you reading this really aren't ladies or gentlemen (don't deny it... I know you all...)

But anyway, I'm in a bit of a rambly mood tonight. I'm not sure why.... I should be tired. Maybe it's the 3 cups of coffee I've had in the last hour. Maybe it's just because I got a second wind. Maybe it's because I know I don't have to get up tomorrow (which, I will anyway).

So anyway, head on over to the Garden if you're bored (over 18 only please) as I just posted a new story.

Or, stay here and read my rambling a bit more. I'm ok with that too. Maybe I'll write a sermon tonight as well - although, probably not. I'm working on the 7 deadly sins over on that blog, and well... I wrote about Lust, and the rest just don't seem nearly as interesting to write about. But, perhaps I will get there.

I'm also considering writing on here about deflection. Apparently I use deflection a lot. This really isn't a big surprise to me or people who know me. But, I'm finding it to be rather irritating to have had that pointed out. Now I notice every time I deflect. It makes me feel like just a messed up normal person. I don't want to be normal. Do you have any idea how depressing of a concept that is to me?

So anyway, not too much else to write about in this rambly post. Just wanted to ramble. Everyone may now go back to their lives...

Get to know me (pt 3 or something)

Ok, so I figured I'd post a few more of these just for the heck of it....

1) What is more difficult for you; looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel? 
Hmmm... this is interesting. And to be honest, I'm not sure. I've never paid attention to it. But, I think it would be more difficult for me if someone else was telling me how they feel.

2) Think of the last time you were REALLY angry.
Ok, I thought of it... now what? 
But seriously, I'm assuming this question was supposed to be a question about what were ya mad about, or why, or how did you react, or something similar. So... the last time I was really angry was the last time someone tried to manipulate people I love, and was just completely selfish. I did nothing... other than get really angry and hold it in as long as possible... then made a facebook post about wanting to punch someone in the face :) 

3) You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?
Assuming my husband isn't on the plane with me, I'd call him.

4) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
a) I would probably tell one person - but it wouldn't be my husband, or kids, or parents, or friends. It would probably be a therapist or pastor... someone I could talk to, but who would have to keep their mouth shut. 
b) I would try to keep a similar routine, but would make sure to spend as much time as possible with my family. 
c) Yes, of course.   

5) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
As much as I love my job, I'd have to save the dog. 


6) If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Back to Austria :)  LOVE it there. But, I'd also like to visit Australia. Maybe.

7) Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you?
In a heartbeat. The last few people I REALLY knew who died include my grandma, two brothers, two very close friends, and then there are some I kinda knew. For the ones I REALLY knew, I would definitely give up a year of my life.

8) Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
Hell no. I'm neurotic. I expect too much out of people. I'm babbly and annoying. And over emotional. And I expect way too much out of people.

9) Does love = sex?
No. 
  
10) What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back? 
Hmmm, another tough one. I don't tell people I love them (generally because it takes a lot for me to actually love someone). But on the other hand, I don't (usually) like to hurt people's feelings. I really don't know which one would be harder.... 

 

trying

You keep reaching out
a needy hand
trying to find that one
who will be there till the end

You keep reaching out
almost pleading for
someone to care
Someone to hold

You keep reaching out
wanting someone to love
and it's all in vain
...


And, that's as far as I could get at the moment. This depression is sucking everything from me. And no one cares. I've tried reaching out.... tried getting someone to care... but everyone runs and hides... it just isn't fair.

What's more important?

What's more important - a little kid's birthday party, or making sure a dying man is taken care of? Attending a little kid's birthday party, or paying a visit to someone who may not be here tomorrow?

Of course, most of us sitting here reading this question would say the dying man is more important. But then make these two people, people you actually know. Then the answer becomes whichever person you have more of a vested interest in. And, we then expect every other person's answer to be the same answer we have.

I woke up this afternoon to a phone call, which my daughter answered and took a message for me. Someone was calling asking if I would be willing to sit with my father-in-law so my mother-in-law could go to the caller's child's birthday party. .... I was livid. First, there was definitely no question as to my willingness to sit with Dad. I love that man as if he were my own father. In fact, I consider him my own father. I would drop everything to help him. But for someone else to call and ask this? After she'd already been told no by my mother-in-law? Talk about selfish. You just don't do that. If Mom had called wanting to attend this birthday party, I would have been over to her place in a heartbeat. But for someone else to call and ask this? This is rude. This is saying "my child's birthday is more important than your father's health." I didn't call her back... I had mom call her because, as I told mom, if I called, I would definitely not hold my tongue and I would be calling the woman a dumb bitch.

But, it got me thinking... how many other people have taken any interest in them? A few friends, yes. And I have been impressed with some people's willingness to help out by bringing them food so Mom doesn't have to cook. But there are many others whom I would have expected to stop by. People I thought might occasionally pop their head in to see if they can help with anything. To see if they can offer a little emotional support. Or spiritual support. Or anything. These people will eagerly go to a child's birthday party, but can't be bothered to see a dying man.

Dad may make it another year. Knowing how stubborn he is, it's possible. But it's also possible he'll be gone tomorrow, or next week, or next month. We don't know. We don't know what God has planned. I just know that when he leaves, he's going to go knowing that he was loved and cherished. And before he goes, Mom is going to know she is not alone and does not have to face this by herself.

But back to which is more important...

Obviously to me, the man is. A child will most likely have many more birthday parties. And hell, my kids have never had birthday parties that involved people other than family. There are a few reasons for this, but one main reason is that I don't believe in people bringing me or my children gifts. This doesn't mean we'd turn down a card or gift, but birthday parties make guests feel obligated to purchase a gift, and make them feel obligated to make an appearance. I would rather see people spend their money on people who need it more (maybe this is their own family, maybe it's a friend or relative of theirs, or maybe it's a complete stranger). I would rather people go to visit a friend or family member who could really use a bit of support.

Birthdays are great. I like cake and love the look of joy on my kids' faces. And there is nothing wrong with celebrating life (which is basically what the purpose of a birthday party should be). But I don't want people to be obligated to celebrate that. And I definitely don't believe it is right to choose celebrating life over lending a helping hand (or at least not lending a hindering hand) to someone in need.

So, the lessons attached to this bitch session...

1) Never, ever, EVER ask someone to care for someone else when it is not your right to make such a request (dumb bitch). I don't care what your intentions are... it is still selfish and rude.

2) Teach your children selflessness. Giving them elaborate birthday parties where people feel obligated to give them presents only teach children to selfishness. And do you really know if these people give a shit? I'd rather receive a handmade card from someone who truly loves me, than a $100 gift from someone whom is only giving it to me as an obligation.

3) Make an effort to be there. Stop in to a neighbor's house to offer spiritual support. Go see that friend and ask if you can help out. Answer that email from someone in desperate need of strength or a friend. Stop treating people in need like they're an inconvenience.

4) Celebrate life. But also remember that life is not forever, so serve people every day, however you can, for as long as you can. Give of yourself.

And most importantly....

5) Always show people you love how much they mean to you. You may not have another chance. They (or you) may not be here tomorrow.

Slipping

I'm slipping. Every time I think I've reached the bottom, I slip just a bit more. There's no light anymore, no shadows, nothing. Darkness surrounds everything, everyone, not that anything or anyone exists. I try to scream, but no sound escapes. Not even a whimper, or moan, or whisper. I try to pray, but there is no God to hear my silent plea.

Perhaps no sound or prayer is released for a reason. Perhaps it is true, as I have always known but tried to deny. I don't deserve release from the darkness. I was born here, raised here. It is as much a part of me as I am of it, and I do not deserve anything more or brighter. Perhaps this is why I cannot ask for release.

Why does no one offer to lift me up? Why does no one notice this darkness I live in? Perhaps it is true that the darkness does not surround me, but is within me. It is me. And these people recognize that I am not worthy of the time or energy or salvation. I have sold my soul to the other side, and now continue to suffer for this exchange. I continue to slip into nothingness.