Sunday night I jumped on the scale. 144. More precisely, 144.6. (Yes, that's right, I just publicly posted my weight - my honest weight.) Instead of getting depressed - which used to be my usual response to my rising number, and instead of shrugging my shoulders and going back to what I was doing, this time I got upset and determined.
144!
Three years ago - before I quit smoking, and before I started spending all my free time doing homework - I was around 115 - 120 pounds, once even getting down to just under 110. I wore a size 4 (2 if I sucked in... 0 if I didn't want to breath). I was slim, and (with the exception that I had no chest to speak of), I liked it. Well.. that's not true. I always felt I needed to lose a little more - or tone up a little more (i.e. get a belly worth looking at instead of one that showed "hey! I've had 6 children!"). But for the most part, I was good with how I looked. Then I started gaining. I would try to go on diets, but well, who wants to actually follow through with dieting? Especially since it didn't really seem to matter - I kept on gaining. Finally, I just quit caring. I was too busy with school and work and children. I have no one to impress other than my husband and well, after 18 years, he doesn't care how I look as long as I shut up and let him play his xbox games (ok, so that may not be entirely true... but he really doesn't care about my weight).
But now? What is different now?
144.
All through high school and college (my first go-round), I was a little on the chunky side (fat, ugly and would only get a guy to be seen in public with me if I slept with him - that's what my step-mother would tell me consistently). I hated it. I never understood how I really did get anyone's attention. But anyway, back then I was usually in the 130-140 range. And here I am - over that. Well over that. I've had to buy all new clothes, while hoarding the old ones because they're so cute and I just don't have the heart to get rid of them.
144.
I saw that number and decided this is it. I'm going to give this an honest to goodness try. And now I have Yoda's words echoing in my mind. Whatever - I will do this. One way or another. So, I hooked myself up with myfitnesspal.com (thank you Leigh and Jenny), and have spent the last 3 days recording what I eat and how much I exercise. And I will continue with it. I have my goals - and while my 20 pounds by June 1 may be a bit excessive, I'll be happy with 10... well, not happy, but still motivated to continue.
By the 4th of July, I want to look smokin' in my little red dress. Or, at least by Labor Day.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
religion vs church
Anyone who believes I am not religious - or that I don't believe in God - doesn't know me very well. I believe wholeheartedly in a higher power - in God. I believe in the general theory of the Bible. I believe God created everything and has a plan for us all.
What I do not believe in is the physical church. Or, the full extent of the Bible... but that is a topic for another post.
Church, though?
Let me tell you this... If you go to church every Sunday, meet with church people every now and then throughout the week, and take part of every prayer chain - this does not make you a Christian. A Christian is NOT someone who goes to church once a week, and spends the other 6 days talking about people behind their back. A Christian is NOT someone who physically assaults a child, and then lies to the pastor about it. A Christian is NOT someone who acts childish and immature and sputters hatred towards a child and/or anyone else, because he/she "tarnished" your reputation.
I don't go to church. I don't go to church functions. I don't take part in public prayer chains.
I do pray daily - but privately - for those who are sick or in pain. And most important, I do help those who need it, and I teach my children to help those who need it - not just with a prayer, but with action. Help a neighbor shovel his walk, or clean the snow off his roof. Help a friend when she's depressed. Offer to hold a door for someone with her hands full of children; or help unload a cartload of groceries into a trunk for an elderly person. Be there for people. I don't do this for recognition. I don't do this to be a good Christian. I do this because it feels right to me.
And I will not change just because others seem to think that my way is wrong, and that I should be in church - in a biased, gossiping hell-hole - every Sunday. Deal with it.
What I do not believe in is the physical church. Or, the full extent of the Bible... but that is a topic for another post.
Church, though?
Let me tell you this... If you go to church every Sunday, meet with church people every now and then throughout the week, and take part of every prayer chain - this does not make you a Christian. A Christian is NOT someone who goes to church once a week, and spends the other 6 days talking about people behind their back. A Christian is NOT someone who physically assaults a child, and then lies to the pastor about it. A Christian is NOT someone who acts childish and immature and sputters hatred towards a child and/or anyone else, because he/she "tarnished" your reputation.
I don't go to church. I don't go to church functions. I don't take part in public prayer chains.
I do pray daily - but privately - for those who are sick or in pain. And most important, I do help those who need it, and I teach my children to help those who need it - not just with a prayer, but with action. Help a neighbor shovel his walk, or clean the snow off his roof. Help a friend when she's depressed. Offer to hold a door for someone with her hands full of children; or help unload a cartload of groceries into a trunk for an elderly person. Be there for people. I don't do this for recognition. I don't do this to be a good Christian. I do this because it feels right to me.
And I will not change just because others seem to think that my way is wrong, and that I should be in church - in a biased, gossiping hell-hole - every Sunday. Deal with it.
Friday, March 16, 2012
a whisper
each whisper
a whisper
spoken against the silence
the whisper
purple and blue
like a scream in the night
yet silent
no passion
no desire
no dream
only flesh to flesh
hard to soft
pliable to tears
each tear
a whisper
a whisper
the twine which lays
within the fingers,
upon the nect.
the twine, the whispers
will silence
snow white against rough farm against soft whispers
a whisper
spoken against the silence
the whisper
purple and blue
like a scream in the night
yet silent
no passion
no desire
no dream
only flesh to flesh
hard to soft
pliable to tears
each tear
a whisper
a whisper
the twine which lays
within the fingers,
upon the nect.
the twine, the whispers
will silence
snow white against rough farm against soft whispers
Saturday, March 10, 2012
wow....
Wow... I haven't written anything here since the first of the year? That's sad. But, typical of me. I go through my spurts of writing and not writing. And what spurt am I in now? Well, I'm writing here, aren't I? Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean anything other than I figured maybe I should update my blog. But, the truth is, I am resurrecting the writing. It's about time. So, here we go... another writing... one which means nothing yet I'm certain there will be those who take it for more than it's worth. This is why I have such a hard time writing... too many people assuming I'm saying something I'm not. And too many not realizing I mean what I'm saying. And too many just not caring when I need them to notice.
And, now that I have babbled for a bit, and lost half my readers (all 4 of u), allow me to continue with a fictional rambling...
*sighs* I lost my train of thought. I shall have to continue later...
And, now that I have babbled for a bit, and lost half my readers (all 4 of u), allow me to continue with a fictional rambling...
*sighs* I lost my train of thought. I shall have to continue later...
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Goodbye (and good riddance) 2011
As I start typing this, we are 20 minutes into the new year. It was one of those years which I really want to say was a horrid year - but then I remember that most of those negative things had something good attached to them. So, instead of writing all the good things, or all the bad things, that 2011 brought, allow me instead to give the list of things I have learned this past year...
1) Watching your child rolled away to surgery is probably the most difficult thing a parent can do (other than lose a child).
2) Sitting up until 4am desperately waiting to hear news on your husband/whether or not surgery is going to happen sucks.
3) Attempting to work after getting a grand total of 30 minutes of sleep since 7am the day before is just plain stupid.
4) Drinking and bleaching your hair when already feeling a little nauseous is also just plain stupid... and will lead to a 3 day puking spree.
5) A 3 day puking spree is an effective, although really crappy, diet plan.
6) People who feel it is within their right to judge others should be judged (and sent to hell) before anyone else.
7) 3 sisters, 1 vehicle, and a trip taking twice as long as it should is a helluva lot of fun, and the best adventure ever
8) 17 years is so long to wait to hold a brother again..
9) Hugging your sibling again after so many years is such a beautiful (yet somewhat bittersweet) feeling
10) Finding old friends often turns out different than one would expect
11) The past is rarely what you believe it was
12) Making the decision to say goodbye hurts - but is sometimes the only decision
13) Losing someone you love is always difficult - no matter the reason, distance, or years. I love and miss you Grandma.
14) Having lost someone close to you is a hurt that never goes away... no matter the reason, distance, or years. Brandon - it's been 11 years; Matthew - it's been over 2 years. I love and miss you both.
15) ALWAYS make sure the people you love know how you feel. They may not be here tomorrow.
I could probably come up with several more, but shall stop here tonight. Happy New Years everyone. May 2012 bring you all your hopes and dreams.
1) Watching your child rolled away to surgery is probably the most difficult thing a parent can do (other than lose a child).
2) Sitting up until 4am desperately waiting to hear news on your husband/whether or not surgery is going to happen sucks.
3) Attempting to work after getting a grand total of 30 minutes of sleep since 7am the day before is just plain stupid.
4) Drinking and bleaching your hair when already feeling a little nauseous is also just plain stupid... and will lead to a 3 day puking spree.
5) A 3 day puking spree is an effective, although really crappy, diet plan.
6) People who feel it is within their right to judge others should be judged (and sent to hell) before anyone else.
7) 3 sisters, 1 vehicle, and a trip taking twice as long as it should is a helluva lot of fun, and the best adventure ever
8) 17 years is so long to wait to hold a brother again..
9) Hugging your sibling again after so many years is such a beautiful (yet somewhat bittersweet) feeling
10) Finding old friends often turns out different than one would expect
11) The past is rarely what you believe it was
12) Making the decision to say goodbye hurts - but is sometimes the only decision
13) Losing someone you love is always difficult - no matter the reason, distance, or years. I love and miss you Grandma.
14) Having lost someone close to you is a hurt that never goes away... no matter the reason, distance, or years. Brandon - it's been 11 years; Matthew - it's been over 2 years. I love and miss you both.
15) ALWAYS make sure the people you love know how you feel. They may not be here tomorrow.
I could probably come up with several more, but shall stop here tonight. Happy New Years everyone. May 2012 bring you all your hopes and dreams.
Monday, December 19, 2011
blah blah whatever
I'm bored.
Or, perhaps it would be better to say that I am sick and tired of being stuck laying around in bed with nothing to do but puke my guts out. I am pleased to announce, however, that I am done with the vomiting (I hope). That was the absolute worst flu (or whatever the hell was wrong with me) I have ever had (that I recall). Two days of being unable to keep anything down, and another day of struggling to do so is not fun.
But now that it's over? Or, I assume it is over since I have now managed to keep down some peanut butter toast and small bowl of oatmeal? I don't have the energy to walk from here to the kitchen (a whole 6 feet away approximately). The dining room table is even a stain, and that is right on the other side of my bedroom door.
So, I'm stuck here.
Normally, I would have homework to do. But, alas (and thank God) the quarter is over, I'm on a two week break. This was the worst quarter I have had to date. And sadly, it was mainly just once class that made it horrible. Well, there was a second one which I struggled with (E-Commerce); and there were two I absolutely enjoyed (Sociology and Windows Server 2008). But that fourth one. Leave it to one person to kill a person's love for Astronomy. But, I pulled off a 94% for a final grade (so long as the instructor doesn't see my evaluation of him before the grades are finalized), and it's over now. So, I can enjoy my break.
Or, I would enjoy it, if I had the energy.
Maybe I will just go take a shower (which will probably turn into a bath since I probably can't stay standing for more than 3 minutes) then head off to bed... which is to say, go to sleep since I have been in bed for the better part of 3 days. Thankfully I get to go to work tomorrow. Hopefully, I should say. I could use someone to talk to other than myself. Although, now that I think about it, I do a lot of talking to myself at work also.
Next quarter's Psychology class could end up being rather enlightening for me.
Or, perhaps it would be better to say that I am sick and tired of being stuck laying around in bed with nothing to do but puke my guts out. I am pleased to announce, however, that I am done with the vomiting (I hope). That was the absolute worst flu (or whatever the hell was wrong with me) I have ever had (that I recall). Two days of being unable to keep anything down, and another day of struggling to do so is not fun.
But now that it's over? Or, I assume it is over since I have now managed to keep down some peanut butter toast and small bowl of oatmeal? I don't have the energy to walk from here to the kitchen (a whole 6 feet away approximately). The dining room table is even a stain, and that is right on the other side of my bedroom door.
So, I'm stuck here.
Normally, I would have homework to do. But, alas (and thank God) the quarter is over, I'm on a two week break. This was the worst quarter I have had to date. And sadly, it was mainly just once class that made it horrible. Well, there was a second one which I struggled with (E-Commerce); and there were two I absolutely enjoyed (Sociology and Windows Server 2008). But that fourth one. Leave it to one person to kill a person's love for Astronomy. But, I pulled off a 94% for a final grade (so long as the instructor doesn't see my evaluation of him before the grades are finalized), and it's over now. So, I can enjoy my break.
Or, I would enjoy it, if I had the energy.
Maybe I will just go take a shower (which will probably turn into a bath since I probably can't stay standing for more than 3 minutes) then head off to bed... which is to say, go to sleep since I have been in bed for the better part of 3 days. Thankfully I get to go to work tomorrow. Hopefully, I should say. I could use someone to talk to other than myself. Although, now that I think about it, I do a lot of talking to myself at work also.
Next quarter's Psychology class could end up being rather enlightening for me.
Monday, December 5, 2011
drained and discarded
I'm sitting here, uncertain of quite how I feel. I had a great weekend this past weekend. I got to see family I haven't seen in years, had the opportunity to hang out and enjoy the company of my wonderful sisters, and even my brother (whom I haven't seen in years). Granted, it was for a funeral we all got together, but, well, my Grandma was a wonderful, beautiful, giving woman - and it seems she gave us one last thing - a chance to get reacquainted with loved ones.
Yet, I'm still sitting here, uncertain how to feel. I'm overcome by a combination of love and depression, relief and release, closure and even a bit of anger and a lot of guilt. So much of so many different things all rattling around within my mind and heart. I'm almost to the point of being numb as there is too much for me to handle.
A third party would have been nice to bounce things off of. But, I guess everyone has their own problems. Mine are no more important, and are probably quite simply more confusing as I don't even know what my problem is.
But, alas, I shall quit my rambling for now as I can't focus my thoughts on any one thing, on any one person or event or anything else. Perhaps I shall try again should I regain any type of clarity to my own mind.
Yet, I'm still sitting here, uncertain how to feel. I'm overcome by a combination of love and depression, relief and release, closure and even a bit of anger and a lot of guilt. So much of so many different things all rattling around within my mind and heart. I'm almost to the point of being numb as there is too much for me to handle.
A third party would have been nice to bounce things off of. But, I guess everyone has their own problems. Mine are no more important, and are probably quite simply more confusing as I don't even know what my problem is.
But, alas, I shall quit my rambling for now as I can't focus my thoughts on any one thing, on any one person or event or anything else. Perhaps I shall try again should I regain any type of clarity to my own mind.
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