Dear Matthew

I know I'm a couple days early, but Happy Birthday. I can't believe you'd be turning 30 in just a couple days. I still can't believe you're not here to turn 30.

It's been almost 6 years since you left; although for me, it's been so much longer. I never got a chance to know the teenage you, or the adult you. To me, you were (and are) still that little 7 year old boy still wanting me to sing him to sleep. You're still that smiling, front-tooth missing boy who could always make me laugh. You're still 7 years old, catching frogs and turtles for pets. You're still that silly little guy wanting to dress up in my dresses, and put on my makeup. You're still that excited little man, running out to the living room Christmas Eve after Santa came, or on your birthday, or Easter morning. You're still the patient boy who put up with me reading my Astronomy book, or English Comp books, to put you to sleep because I had to catch up on my homework. You're still the little goon who would hide in my pile of teddy bears. You're still the little lover, always willing to give me a huge hug to brighten my day.

I wish I could blame our parents for those lost years, but I know I should have tried harder. I wanted to. I hope you were able to understand that. I hope you were able to know that I truly loved you, and love you still.

There's a hole in my heart that can never be truly filled... not with anything other than memories. But, they are good memories. And they help me get through times like this, when I'm lost and feeling alone, and missing you and your brother. And, the knowledge that you finally found the peace we were (are) lacking helps, too. 

I'd write more - and most likely will in the days to come. But for now, I need to stop writing as it's getting difficult to see the screen.

I love you. And I miss you.