Beloved

I can still hear that voice - that ever wise voice - insisting I am beloved
I see the words flash before my eyes
And yet they do not penetrate
Especially now.

This ache grows stronger - too strong for me to fight
I cannot eat, or sleep, or write
I cannot dream, or cry
I cannot believe

Beloved
It is such a lie
And yet I have no right to proclaim this
I have no right to express this pain
I have no right to pity

I try to hide it - those wonderful masks I once wore dug out again
But I should not be wearing those
I should not be allowed even a false smile
I should not be

My suffering grows - suffering I should feel but not show
I am so weak now I can barely stand
And I shouldn't stand
I should be kicked down

My emptiness grows - anything once believed to be beloved dissipating
I am alone
By my own doing, I have nothing left
I deserve nothing more

I desperately want to cry out - plead for mercy, for anything
But my voice must remain silenced
and so in silence I pray
For beloved death