Saturday, January 22, 2011


She used to absorb herself in the physical. Obviously, if a guy wanted her, he loved her, and she was worth something. And besides, she wasn't hurting anyone. Except that one time. That one little baby. She miscarried him, and consoled herself by reminding herself that bringing a baby into the world under normal circumstances was wrong and evil. But to do so under these conditions? There would have been no excuse for that mistake. And what conditions? She was unmarried, sleeping with the one, dating another, and fooling around with a few more. And the father? He didn't love her. He didn't even care about her. They had an agreement - no strings attached. If he knew there was suddenly a string? She dared not imagine that. But, it was no matter. She didn't even know about the baby until it was too late. While it hurt, she took comfort in knowing this baby would never suffer.

This loss only fueled her desire for the physical. It shouldn't have. It should have done the opposite. But too many had taught her that hte physical was what life was about. Sex and pain and bruises. That was life. And, if and when she had the choice, sex was the better option. And so she chose it. Whenever and wherever she could. Wrong? Perhaps. But live the life she did and see if you can still choose the "correct" path. Only then can you or I judge her.

THe problem though was she learned to use the physical as an escape. Whenever she wanted attention, she looked towards the physical. Whenever a relationship became too close...too emotional...she turned towards the physical. Whenever she thought she was losing someone...again, physical. It became so much a part of her and her relationships, she lost track of anything emotional. Her feelings disappeared, vanished. She liked this. Emotions hurt. Sex didn't. And physical pain? Yes, it hurt, but it could quickly be alleviated by a touch or two.

And now? Now, she is lost. She still feels the pain of the child lost. She now feels the pain of loves lost. But what loves? She doesn't even know anymore. She thought she knew. But these loves are confused and lost and found and here but not. She wants to feel that love again, but did that love ever truly exist or was it simply a way to feel wanted and loved and needed? She doesn't know. She wants desperately for that one person to remind her and show her and love her. She wants desperately for that miracle.

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