Monday, July 6, 2015

Today I Lost My Mother

Ok, so maybe that title is a little deceiving. Apparently, she actually passed away about 9 days ago (June 27th... my baby brother's birthday). But, I just found out today. And I still don't know how to feel about it. I think I'm ok. But I feel like I shouldn't be.

This is a woman who walked out when I was 2 years old. When she finally stepped back in almost 20 years later, she felt I should treat her like a mom. She felt she deserved that because she gave birth to me. I kind of tried. Not really... I didn't feel like she was a mom... but I at least gave her some respect. After a few years, she got upset with me. I hadn't been calling as much as I should have. I wasn't getting her mother's day presents, birthday presents, Christmas presents, etc. And therefore, she cut all ties to me.

She called a few years ago. I wasn't home. She left a message saying she's sure I hate her, and making it sound like it's all my fault that we don't have a relationship. I never called her back.

Today, my big sis called to tell me our mother died. I sat on the phone with her for several minutes, not sure what to say or how to feel. I still don't. Well, I feel nothing... or rather, nothing more than I would if I found out some person I knew from work 10 years ago had passed away. But I feel I should feel something. It's really weird. And I feel like a really cold heartless person. Blah.

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