Blank Canvas

Ok, this needs a lot of work... but, unedited and just babbled quickly...

Blank Canvas

Too late did I realize
Too late did it sink in
What I had in you, what was standing there
I never let you in

And now you're calling me
You say you've gone away
I never got a chance to write down
All the things I need to say

So here I stand...
marker in my hand, blank canvas surrounding my lonely heart
writing all my thoughts, penning every dream,
scribbling every pain, every tear, every scream

Here I stand...
marker in my hand, tears falling as it all falls apart
writing all my thoughts, penning every dream
scribbling every pain, every tear, every scream

And now I'm calling you
Begging you to stay
There's so much I want to tell you
So much I still need to say

You once healed my lonely heart
Now you're making it break
With just a few simple spoken words
My hope, my heart, my love you take

So here I stand...
marker in my hand, blank canvas surrounding my lonely heart
writing all my thoughts, penning every dream,
scribbling every pain, every tear, every scream

Here I stand...
marker in my hand, tears falling as it all falls apart
writing all my thoughts, penning every dream
scribbling every pain, every tear, every scream

It's all here on this blank canvas
Every memory made
Every memory that will never be

It's all here on this blank canvas
Every word spoken
Every word held deep within me

So here I stand...
marker in my hand, blank canvas surrounding my lonely heart
writing all my thoughts, penning every dream,
scribbling every pain, every tear, every scream

Here I stand...
marker in my hand, tears falling as it all falls apart
writing all my thoughts, penning every dream
scribbling every pain, every tear, every scream

The Rights of the Egg Donor

I recently stumbled upon a Facebook conversation that centered around abortion and free choice. Of course, being I'm not friends with the person who initiated this conversation, I was unable to add my two cents - which is probably a good thing. It wasn't just the arguments being stated in favor of pro choice that got under my skin that prompted me to write this post. It was more so an argument posed by a male on the subject that intrigued me and got me thinking.

First, allow me to say that in general, I am against abortion. I could never have one. And I am glad when others choose a different option. I don't think I would ever look down on someone who did have one, though. Unless, of course, this person has already had a few and is using abortion as a means of birth control. There are better options available than to kill an unborn baby. In the case of rape, or when it could be a danger to a mother's health to carry a baby, I am more sympathetic to the cause.

This said...

One of the arguments for why a woman should be able to choose abortion basically boiled down to a woman might want to abort an unwanted pregnancy because it will change the way her body looks, and/or it could be bad for her reputation to carry it full term. Seriously? Abortion is ok to prevent a woman from getting stretch marks? Abortion is ok to keep a woman from looking like a slut? I'm sorry, but I don't think so. Maybe in a 3rd world country where the unwed mother would be shot if they found out she was pregnant - than it falls under "danger to a mother's health" - but in the US? You spread your legs, deal with the consequences. And I'm sorry if that pisses anyone off. Well, I'm not really that sorry. But anyway. I have a great deal of respect and admiration for those who do not choose the "easy" way of having an abortion. Adoption is a very viable option if you're not prepared to be a parent and oops, you've got a bun in the oven. It takes a lot more courage to risk stretch marks and an injured reputation by choosing to carry the baby than it does to simply get rid of the "mistake." Babies are not mistakes.

But, I didn't mean to get on a rampage about that part of the topic. Now, onto the part that intrigued me...

One man posed the question, and this is summarized from what was actually said... why is it a woman's right to determine a man's fate? A woman gets to decide if she will carry the baby or kill it. The man gets no say in this. It's a woman's right. However, should the woman choose to carry/keep the baby... the man must pay child support. The man gets no say in this. And should the woman choose abortion - what if the man wanted a child? Again, the man gets no say in this. If the egg donor has the rights to determine if the child lives or dies, should the sperm donor not have the same right? Or, at least have the right to determine if he pays for the child or not? How can we allow one gender to ignore their responsibility, but not the other?

He stated that IF abortion is not murder, but is in fact simply a form of birth control... the woman gets to choose whether or not she wants to be a parent. Should the man not have the same right of choice? Shouldn't he get to choose whether or not to be a parent? If the woman decides to continue with the pregnancy, and thus become a mother, the male should, at that point, get to decide if he will support the child and thus become a father.

This is an interesting stance on the subject. Of course, most people can't see beyond the "is it murder or not" question. But if we treat it simply as birth control, and therefore not a baby while still in the woman's body, then both parents should have equal rights in determining whether or not they want to be a parent.

Basically speaking, abortion should not pertain only to the egg donor. Both donors should have rights in determining whether or not to be parents, so long as both had the right to choose whether or not to have sex.  

Sometimes all you can do is laugh, and shake your head...

This whole day has been, for the most part, a good day. But tonight was wonderful. It started with us all sitting around watching a Little House on the Prairie episode that had most of us crying...

As soon as the episode was done, the dog wanted to go outside. So, I opened the door for her... and holy schmolies! Blizzard! Just an hour or so ago, there had been a sheet of ice covering everything, but no snow. Now, suddenly, here was a couple inches and it was coming down hard and fast. I got excited and happy, and gathered up all the kids. The best thing to do during a blizzard - go for a walk! All six of the young'uns agreed, and so we grabbed coats and shoes and hats and such and headed out the door.

It was a little cold when the wind would gust, but otherwise not too bad. But, it was fairly dark out, and it's deer hunting weekend, so didn't want to venture out too far from home. So, we walked just a couple blocks... to the Lutheran Church, then half the block in front of the church. We were screaming and laughing and running and jumping - and I was just as bad as the rest of the children. But, the wind was picking up so I figured we should start heading towards home. First, I asked all the kids to get together near the street light - I wanted a group shot of all 6 of the kids. Just as they were gathering near each other, it went completely black. No street light. No house lights. No stars/moon. It was fun grabbing our cells to use as flashlights, and everyone holding onto each other to make sure we all made it back home.

So anyway, with the electricity out, we broke out the candles (and lemme tell ya - we have lotsa candles). We were busy getting them lit, and put in various rooms of the house. And then Cassie chimes in - "See! If you would have let us decorate for Christmas, we'd have enough lights on the tree to light up the room!"

....

- enter laughter and shaking of head -

Well, in addition to no electricity, there's no heat either. So, the younger two girls and I go gather all the blankets we can find, and asked all the kids if they needed more blankets. Again, Cassie chimes in... "Nope, I'm good. I have my electric blanket."

.....

- enter more laughter and shaking of head -

There were so many more little comments that were made that just made me laugh. We had a great time... some of us played games (Cassie and I played Scrabble). Some watched the Big Bang Theory on dad's phone. And then we started getting the house ready for sleep. Some of the rooms get too cold without heat, so we decided to switch around sleeping arrangements. Alex, Cassie, Caity and I were upstairs setting up the one bedroom. We have only one flashlight we're all using in this room. Caity decides she needs to go find something.... and so she left... with the light.

Tyler had Alex and Caity bring in the grill "just in case". Cassie and I looked at each other in fear.

We roasted marshmallows over the candles.

We have a little tin bucket that is a huge candle... reminds me of one you might have in your car for melting snow. Anyway, one of the kids came up with the brilliant idea that this 6 inch diameter bucket would be good for when it gets really cold. To which their dad stated.... "Yes, I remember the blizzard of '12.... me and the young'uns were sitting around... a bucket."

Tyler had left the glass cleaner next to all the candles. I moved it, saying something about it being flammable. Tyler grabs the glass cleaner and a set of 3 candles... "Glass cleaner is NOT flammable." To which, Cassie and I quite loudly exclaimed that it is and to put it down. He ignored us and sprayed the cleaner directly at the candles. And absolutely nothing happened. "Ok, maybe it isn't..."

We decided we better go check on mom and dad... so Caity and I grabbed lightsabers and off we went. And let me tell ya - it was freakin' DARK out there. Even in the light of the sabers, we couldn't see. We finally saw the Yield sign when we were right next to it... up till then, we didn't even know we were near the road.

After over two hours of no power, we decided to send the kids off to bed. Bedtime snacks, and general procrastination over, the troops start heading up the stairs in the dark.... and the power comes back on. :)

It was a very fun and funny time.

Dangers of Drinking and/or Thinking

I think everyone is aware of most of the dangers of drinking. For example - don't drive if you've been drinking... your reflexes are slower and thus accidents can happen. In fact, don't play with anything that requires reflexes (or could potentially require this). Power tools - potentially bad. Fire - potentially stupid. You get the point.

And of course, there are often dangers of waking up with someone you've never met before, or that you would never go home with when you're in the right state of mind. Bad choices are quite synonymous with drinking.

But, what about speaking and/or thinking?

I don't know if too many people realize the potential danger behind opening your mouth if you've been drinking. Or, just as dangerous, emailing someone. I can't speak for others - but for myself, I tend to be brutally honest when I'm drinking. Things I would otherwise not tell them, I'm more than happy to ramble. I've picked fights, told people to go to hell, told people more about my life than they (or anyone else) wants to know, and the list goes on.

Anyway, this was going to be a much longer, fun post, but apparently I'm still feeling like crap and am just too tired to type (and this is not caused by drinking).

Defense Mechanisms

The other day I was having a conversation with someone, and this person pointed out my tendency to deflect when a conversation gets to a serious topic, or a topic I just don't want to discuss/deal with, or when a topic is one that can/will cause me pain. I actually found this somewhat unexpected... first, because while I know I do tend to use defense mechanisms, that is one I never realized I do use; and second, that someone recognized this in me.

So, I decided to look up different defense mechanisms and think about which ones actually apply to me. These, and the definitions, all come from http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Stress-related_Disorders/Defenses (all in bold are basically direct quotes from this site):

Repression/suppression: One way to deal with emotional pain is to not think about what has happened.

Basically, this just means the problem gets ignored/pushed to the back of someone's mind. I did this a lot with what I went through as a child. I barely recall the sexual molestation, and can only remember some of the physical abuse.

Displacement: Displacement is simply taking an emotion that belongs in one situation and displaying it in another.

I think everyone does this to some degree - someone pisses you off, but you can't yell at that person because of consequences, so you take your anger out on other people (i.e. family). I try NOT to do this, but it's an easy one for people to do.

Projection: Projection is the process of taking feelings we have about ourselves (usually painful feelings) and focusing them on other people.

While I don't think I do this, it is possible I have in the past. I just know it isn't a common defense mechanism of mine.

Denial: Denial is the refusal to believe or accept the reality that certain events have happened (are happening) or will happen. Co-Relation: Related to denial is the defense called minimizing.

Minimizing: Events are accepted, but only in a watered down version. Example: Sure I drink once in a while. Everybody does. It's no big deal. Once in a while I might get carried away, but it really isn't a problem.

I don't think I use either of these (denial or minimizing). If anything, I might tend to minimize what is going on. But again, not a common one.

Withdrawal: Withdrawal is usually used when a person is afraid of rejection or afraid to fail."

Hmmm, yeah, I've used this one a lot, and still do.

Co-Relation: Closely related to withdrawal are: Avoidance and Deflection

Avoidance: 

This is as the name suggests - one will avoid speaking about a problem or being around people  I might be guilty of this one, too.

Deflection: Deflection is a method of changing a subject that is or might be painful.

This is the one that has recently been brought to my attention, and it was said that it is humor I usually use as my method. For example, if someone brings up a sensitive subject, I will make a joke to lighten the mood, change the subject, or otherwise just move along.

Rationalization: Rationalization is to justify your behavior or to make excuses for your behavior.

Yeah, I have to confess to this one also. I'm always making excuses for being stupid.... just generally, the excuses are dumber than the stupid thing I did in the first place. 

Fantasy: When the world of everyday life becomes too painful or difficult too bear, some people turn to the inner world of fantasy.

This one is probably the one I use most often, although not as much any more. As a kid/teenager, I lived in a fantasy world whenever possible. I remember doing this while being molested as well as a way of blocking out what was happening. It's still a very easy thing to slip into.

Intellectualization: In order to avoid experiencing his real feelings a person may discuss his problem(s) in an analytical, rational, intellectual way.

This one I am also guilty of. Usually, whenever I talk about some of the things I've gone through, I do so very analytically. I don't allow emotion to play into the description at all, or explain my feelings. There are only a few people who've heard me describe these events without using this technique. I never realized it was a defense mechanism before.

Procrastination: Procrastination is another way to avoid painful feelings by convincing yourself that a problem can be dealt with later.

Yup... not a common mechanism of mine when it comes to dealing with painful feelings (rarely use this one), I am a procrastinator. For example... I really do need to make that phone call, but don't want to deal with it.

Reaction-formation: This defense is simply faking your feelings or expressing the opposite of what you really feel.

And, another yup. Been there, done that, and still do occasionally.

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Ok so if I counted right, I use/have used 7 of these fairly often. The rest I either don't use, or rarely use. Hmm... not sure what that says about me :/

Rambly

Good evening Ladies and Gents! Of course, most of you reading this really aren't ladies or gentlemen (don't deny it... I know you all...)

But anyway, I'm in a bit of a rambly mood tonight. I'm not sure why.... I should be tired. Maybe it's the 3 cups of coffee I've had in the last hour. Maybe it's just because I got a second wind. Maybe it's because I know I don't have to get up tomorrow (which, I will anyway).

So anyway, head on over to the Garden if you're bored (over 18 only please) as I just posted a new story.

Or, stay here and read my rambling a bit more. I'm ok with that too. Maybe I'll write a sermon tonight as well - although, probably not. I'm working on the 7 deadly sins over on that blog, and well... I wrote about Lust, and the rest just don't seem nearly as interesting to write about. But, perhaps I will get there.

I'm also considering writing on here about deflection. Apparently I use deflection a lot. This really isn't a big surprise to me or people who know me. But, I'm finding it to be rather irritating to have had that pointed out. Now I notice every time I deflect. It makes me feel like just a messed up normal person. I don't want to be normal. Do you have any idea how depressing of a concept that is to me?

So anyway, not too much else to write about in this rambly post. Just wanted to ramble. Everyone may now go back to their lives...