The Magic Number 144

Sunday night I jumped on the scale. 144. More precisely, 144.6. (Yes, that's right, I just publicly posted my weight - my honest weight.) Instead of getting depressed - which used to be my usual response to my rising number, and instead of shrugging my shoulders and going back to what I was doing, this time I got upset and determined.

144!

Three years ago - before I quit smoking, and before I started spending all my free time doing homework - I was around 115 - 120 pounds, once even getting down to just under 110. I wore a size 4 (2 if I sucked in... 0 if I didn't want to breath). I was slim, and (with the exception that I had no chest to speak of), I liked it. Well.. that's not true. I always felt I needed to lose a little more - or tone up a little more (i.e. get a belly worth looking at instead of one that showed "hey! I've had 6 children!"). But for the most part, I was good with how I looked. Then I started gaining. I would try to go on diets, but well, who wants to actually follow through with dieting? Especially since it didn't really seem to matter - I kept on gaining. Finally, I just quit caring. I was too busy with school and work and children. I have no one to impress other than my husband and well, after 18 years, he doesn't care how I look as long as I shut up and let him play his xbox games (ok, so that may not be entirely true... but he really doesn't care about my weight).

But now? What is different now?

144.

All through high school and college (my first go-round), I was a little on the chunky side (fat, ugly and would only get a guy to be seen in public with me if I slept with him - that's what my step-mother would tell me consistently). I hated it. I never understood how I really did get anyone's attention. But anyway, back then I was usually in the 130-140 range. And here I am - over that. Well over that. I've had to buy all new clothes, while hoarding the old ones because they're so cute and I just don't have the heart to get rid of them.

144.

I saw that number and decided this is it. I'm going to give this an honest to goodness try. And now I have Yoda's words echoing in my mind. Whatever - I will do this. One way or another. So, I hooked myself up with myfitnesspal.com (thank you Leigh and Jenny), and have spent the last 3 days recording what I eat and how much I exercise. And I will continue with it. I have my goals - and while my 20 pounds by June 1 may be a bit excessive, I'll be happy with 10... well, not happy, but still motivated to continue.

By the 4th of July, I want to look smokin' in my little red dress. Or, at least by Labor Day.

religion vs church

Anyone who believes I am not religious - or that I don't believe in God - doesn't know me very well. I believe wholeheartedly in a higher power - in God. I believe in the general theory of the Bible. I believe God created everything and has a plan for us all.

What I do not believe in is the physical church. Or, the full extent of the Bible... but that is a topic for another post.

Church, though?

Let me tell you this... If you go to church every Sunday, meet with church people every now and then throughout the week, and take part of every prayer chain - this does not make you a Christian. A Christian is NOT someone who goes to church once a week, and spends the other 6 days talking about people behind their back. A Christian is NOT someone who physically assaults a child, and then lies to the pastor about it. A Christian is NOT someone who acts childish and immature and sputters hatred towards a child and/or anyone else, because he/she "tarnished" your reputation.

I don't go to church. I don't go to church functions. I don't take part in public prayer chains.

I do pray daily - but privately - for those who are sick or in pain. And most important, I do help those who need it, and I teach my children to help those who need it - not just with a prayer, but with action. Help a neighbor shovel his walk, or clean the snow off his roof. Help a friend when she's depressed. Offer to hold a door for someone with her hands full of children; or help unload a cartload of groceries into a trunk for an elderly person. Be there for people. I don't do this for recognition. I don't do this to be a good Christian. I do this because it feels right to me.

And I will not change just because others seem to think that my way is wrong, and that I should be in church - in a biased, gossiping hell-hole - every Sunday. Deal with it.

a whisper

each whisper
a whisper
spoken against the silence
the whisper
purple and blue
like a scream in the night
yet silent
no passion
no desire
no dream
only flesh to flesh
hard to soft
pliable to tears
each tear
a whisper

a whisper
the twine which lays
within the fingers,
upon the nect.
the twine, the whispers
will silence
snow white against rough farm against soft whispers

wow....

Wow... I haven't written anything here since the first of the year? That's sad. But, typical of me. I go through my spurts of writing and not writing. And what spurt am I in now? Well, I'm writing here, aren't I? Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean anything other than I figured maybe I should update my blog. But, the truth is, I am resurrecting the writing. It's about time. So, here we go... another writing... one which means nothing yet I'm certain there will be those who take it for more than it's worth. This is why I have such a hard time writing... too many people assuming I'm saying something I'm not. And too many not realizing I mean what I'm saying. And too many just not caring when I need them to notice.

And, now that I have babbled for a bit, and lost half my readers (all 4 of u), allow me to continue with a fictional rambling...

*sighs* I lost my train of thought. I shall have to continue later...