Sunday, November 20, 2011

Shouldn't be allowed to speak

I've come to the conclusion, I shouldn't be allowed to speak to people the last couple weeks of November. I shouldn't be allowed to associate with anyone in any way. It seems I have this innate ability to piss people off and/or kick them out of my life during these few weeks before Thanksgiving. I'm moody, unpredictable, and even manage to drive myself insane. Of course, it could be argued that I am always this way, however, November is notably worse. I guess that can be expected when your best friend takes his own life on Thanksgiving morning. Eleven years and it still hurts knowing my brother is gone. Well, now, two brothers gone.

That said - and why it's been said, I really am not sure - allow me to continue with my obnoxiously insane senseless rambling. Although, I am finding I am suddenly not sure what to ramble about. My mind is going in half a dozen different directions, none of them any nice straight path. None of them even a nice curvy path. They just branch out. I am so lost. Lost within the darkness and depths of my own mind. Lost within the emotions and lack thereof. Wishing I could dream. Dreaming I could wish. Hoping without hope that a sign will appear telling me if I'm doing the right thing, feeling the right thing.

Until then, I continue throwing away friendships that never existed. I continue hurting those I shouldn't, and crying over found dreams, and tripping over my own heart.

No comments:

Post a Comment