Burnt Out

It's been awhile since I've written anything other than for work, school, or an unintelligent Facebook status. Life went from busy and brain-numbing, to where-the-hell-am-I-and-what-the-hell-was-I-going-to-do. To be honest, I can't even remember my name some days. I'm burnt out. Everything I love feels like a chore. I've contemplated dropping out of school, skipping a week of work, and just hiding in my bed for a few days. I've considered drowning in a vat of whiskey... until I realized that would be a waste of whiskey.

So, what is it that has me losing my marbles and motivation? What isn't? It started several months ago, with work being a big mix up. I love my job and where I am now, but for a while there, it was a mess. And I found out that the one person I looked up to at work betrayed me. So that started the demotivation in that area. For school? It is so time consuming, and the past few months - especially the past few weeks - time is one thing I am quickly running out of.

Why the past few weeks especially? It all started 4 weeks ago today. I get a call at work from the hospital trying to reach my husband. They have a kidney for him. If anyone has had a transplant, or knows someone who has, you know its not one of those "Ok, we'll set you up for a week from tomorrow..." No. It's "get your ass here now." And of course, the hospital he had to go to is a couple hours away from us.

Anyway, the transplant happened, and I was a single mother for a couple weeks. Having been used to having someone else there to catch some of the "can I have..." and "can I do..." questions, by the end of week two, my sanity was essentially shot. I was still working full time, trying to take care of six children, luckily school was on its two week break at the same time, and of course the kids had little activities I had to make sure they made it to.

Now, he's been home for almost two week, and things are slowly going back to normal, but there is still the running around and the work and the school and the questions. There is still softball practice and games and tournaments. There is still trying to figure out how I'm going to afford a clarinet and saxaphone before school starts in 5 weeks since this whole transplant has eaten away pretty much all we had saved up. There is still three kids' birthdays in 2-3 weeks I have to get gifts for. I'm really not sure how much more stress I can take.

So, now that I've whined and bitched and moaned and complained and did not succeed in gaining any of my sanity, I am off to bed. I hope.