Shouldn't be allowed to speak

I've come to the conclusion, I shouldn't be allowed to speak to people the last couple weeks of November. I shouldn't be allowed to associate with anyone in any way. It seems I have this innate ability to piss people off and/or kick them out of my life during these few weeks before Thanksgiving. I'm moody, unpredictable, and even manage to drive myself insane. Of course, it could be argued that I am always this way, however, November is notably worse. I guess that can be expected when your best friend takes his own life on Thanksgiving morning. Eleven years and it still hurts knowing my brother is gone. Well, now, two brothers gone.

That said - and why it's been said, I really am not sure - allow me to continue with my obnoxiously insane senseless rambling. Although, I am finding I am suddenly not sure what to ramble about. My mind is going in half a dozen different directions, none of them any nice straight path. None of them even a nice curvy path. They just branch out. I am so lost. Lost within the darkness and depths of my own mind. Lost within the emotions and lack thereof. Wishing I could dream. Dreaming I could wish. Hoping without hope that a sign will appear telling me if I'm doing the right thing, feeling the right thing.

Until then, I continue throwing away friendships that never existed. I continue hurting those I shouldn't, and crying over found dreams, and tripping over my own heart.

Maybe it's cuz

Maybe it's cuz we never got to say goodbye
Maybe it's cuz I needed to run away and hide
Maybe it's cuz I'm just that into you
Maybe it's cuz I know, I know this love it true

And yeah, that's as far as I can go, with these words. Cuz everytime I try to write more I just start thinkin' about, all the times I was in your arms, the laughter, the tears, and joy, and fears...

You may not remember, or maybe you wanna forget, which is all right, I understand, I been there too and Iknow what it's like to remember, the laughter, the tears, and joy and fears

So maybe, it's cuz we never got to say goodbye
Or maybe, it's cuz I needed to run away and hide
Maybe it's cuz I'm just that into you
Or maybe, it's cuz I know, I know this love is true

Well whatever it is, it ain't going away, I think about you both night and day and I wonder why, why did it all have to go wrong, cuz I remember, the laughter, the tears, and joy and fears

Oh I remember, I remember it like it was yesterday, it was so clear, so real, but why did I run away, Cuz I remember, I remember it all, there was the laughter, the tears, and joy and fears

So maybe, it's cuz we never got to say goodbye
Or maybe, it's cuz I needed to run away and hide
Maybe it's cuz I'm just that into you
Or maybe, it's cuz I know, I know this love is true

I was Blessed

they say, there's someone for everyone
and if you miss your chance, you miss your happiness
they say, everyone has that one someone
and if they get away, then you lose this game

I guess I lost this game, so many years ago...
I guess I missed my chance at happiness
I guess I lost it all, lost my someone
But there was a time, a time when I was blessed

They say, for everyone there is someone
A soul mate, that perfect match
They say, for everyone there is one love
One light, one dream come true

I guess I lost that dream, so many years ago...
I guess I missed my chance at happiness
I guess I lost it all, lost my soul mate
But there was a time, a time when I was blessed

There was a time when you held me close
there was a time you loved me true
there were days when we laughed and loved in each other's arms
There was a time I was loved by you

Ohhh, there was a time

There was a time when we shared our dreams
There was a time, you were my happiness
There were days when we watched the stars in each other's eyes
There was a time when I was truly blessed

Ohhh, there was a time
I was blessed

They say, everyone has that one special one
The one they dream of every night
They say, everyone has that one someone
And I gotta say that they are right

But I guess I lost that someone
So many, many years ago
I lost that one chance at happiness...
But there was a time
Yeah, there was a time
When I was blessed

I guess I lost that dream, so many years ago...
I guess I missed my chance at happiness
I guess I lost it all, lost my soul mate
But there was a time, a time when I... was... blessed

Missing you

Hey Brandon,

I know I'm early. I don't usually write to you until Thanksgiving, or April - your birthday. But, circumstances has me thinking about you more than usual, even though I think of you daily. It started with some stupid idiot discussing suicide. It's funny (well, more angering, but I'm sure you understand) how people talk about the subject like it's just another topic... just another statistic. If they only knew. To be honest, it began even before this - it began a few weeks ago when I had to select a topic for Sociology to write about, and I chose suicide. The main reason for selecting it was to make people understand. And, maybe help myself understand. But since making the decision to write about this sensitive topic, I'm finding myself more on edge than usual. It doesn't help that the person who has brought up the topic wouldn't understand the pain of it if she had to deal with it first hand.. She'd turn it into some stupid political bull shit.

And, to top it all off, guess where I am? I'm laying in bed, my back fucked up. Boy does that bring back memories. Only, this time, you're not here reading me Dr. Seuss. That is one thing I miss greatly. You always managed to keep my mind off the pain - no matter what pain it was at the time. If I could have but one thing tonight, it would be for you to be sitting on the edge of my bed reading A Wocket in my Pocket or Dr. Seuss' ABC's.

But, I must go now. Please take care of your brother, and Nicky and her daddy, and watch over the rest of us. I love you, Brandon... Mercury... leader of the Solar Stars resistance. Some day, we will win.

Dear me at 17/18 (Part 3)

One more has recently come to mind...

Dear me at 17... even though he might drive ya crazy, the one you think of as a big brother really does know what he's talking about. You really should consider listening to him every now and then.

Love ya Timmy :)

Dear me at 17/18... (part 2)

Once again I've found myself listening to "Letter to Me" by Brad Paisley. And once again it has me thinking back to when I was 17 and 18. As I said in a previous post, there is so much I would want to tell this person if I could write a letter to who I used to be. Not that I would have listened... but, I would still like to be able to send a letter back in time. And what else would I tell her? First, go read my previous post if you haven't already (Dear me at 17). And here is the continuation of that letter...

Friendship - while it is something you claim to hold dear, as you grow older you'll realize how easily you let it go. Don't. There are some whom, while the friendship is cut short, it is a friendship you will treasure forever.

And, while still on the subject of friendship, there is one who will stand by you, but whom you easily dismiss. Don't. He is the one person who, more than anyone else, will help you through one of the roughest moments of your life. And, he is one who truly loves you. Allow him to tell you this. Allow yourself to listen. Allow love to touch you.

Listen to your instincts. There are those you love deeply which you begin to doubt, but fight to hold onto. Don't. It isn't that they aren't worth your love, but more that their love was never for you. Let them go, and allow yourself to see others whose love is true.

And, for now, this is the end of my letter to myself. No worries - I am sure I will come up with a part three.

The garden, the shelf and the darkside

To answer the questions some friends have asked... and those who haven't yet asked...

This is the Darkside of the Rose. This is the usual me... the rambling me. The one who makes no sense, nor tries to. This is the me who gets angry (wants to kill someone slowly). This is the one who posts song lyrics and poems and other little ramblings.

The garden, also knows as Passion's Garden, is where my short stories hide which are not for innocent eyes/ears/minds.

The shelf, more correctly called the Bottom Shelf, is where I decided to hide my novel - Whispers in the Hall. Whispers is only about half finished, if even that, and hasn't been touched in over 6 months. That said, the site holds everything through chapter 8 if you're interested.

If anyone wishes to read any of my work, and would like addresses to either the garden or the shelf, please let me know. I love showing off my insanity. And please, share it with others. Comment on it. Tell me you hate it. Tell me you love it. Tell me to go to hell.