Shouldn't be allowed to speak

I've come to the conclusion, I shouldn't be allowed to speak to people the last couple weeks of November. I shouldn't be allowed to associate with anyone in any way. It seems I have this innate ability to piss people off and/or kick them out of my life during these few weeks before Thanksgiving. I'm moody, unpredictable, and even manage to drive myself insane. Of course, it could be argued that I am always this way, however, November is notably worse. I guess that can be expected when your best friend takes his own life on Thanksgiving morning. Eleven years and it still hurts knowing my brother is gone. Well, now, two brothers gone.

That said - and why it's been said, I really am not sure - allow me to continue with my obnoxiously insane senseless rambling. Although, I am finding I am suddenly not sure what to ramble about. My mind is going in half a dozen different directions, none of them any nice straight path. None of them even a nice curvy path. They just branch out. I am so lost. Lost within the darkness and depths of my own mind. Lost within the emotions and lack thereof. Wishing I could dream. Dreaming I could wish. Hoping without hope that a sign will appear telling me if I'm doing the right thing, feeling the right thing.

Until then, I continue throwing away friendships that never existed. I continue hurting those I shouldn't, and crying over found dreams, and tripping over my own heart.

Maybe it's cuz

Maybe it's cuz we never got to say goodbye
Maybe it's cuz I needed to run away and hide
Maybe it's cuz I'm just that into you
Maybe it's cuz I know, I know this love it true

And yeah, that's as far as I can go, with these words. Cuz everytime I try to write more I just start thinkin' about, all the times I was in your arms, the laughter, the tears, and joy, and fears...

You may not remember, or maybe you wanna forget, which is all right, I understand, I been there too and Iknow what it's like to remember, the laughter, the tears, and joy and fears

So maybe, it's cuz we never got to say goodbye
Or maybe, it's cuz I needed to run away and hide
Maybe it's cuz I'm just that into you
Or maybe, it's cuz I know, I know this love is true

Well whatever it is, it ain't going away, I think about you both night and day and I wonder why, why did it all have to go wrong, cuz I remember, the laughter, the tears, and joy and fears

Oh I remember, I remember it like it was yesterday, it was so clear, so real, but why did I run away, Cuz I remember, I remember it all, there was the laughter, the tears, and joy and fears

So maybe, it's cuz we never got to say goodbye
Or maybe, it's cuz I needed to run away and hide
Maybe it's cuz I'm just that into you
Or maybe, it's cuz I know, I know this love is true

I was Blessed

they say, there's someone for everyone
and if you miss your chance, you miss your happiness
they say, everyone has that one someone
and if they get away, then you lose this game

I guess I lost this game, so many years ago...
I guess I missed my chance at happiness
I guess I lost it all, lost my someone
But there was a time, a time when I was blessed

They say, for everyone there is someone
A soul mate, that perfect match
They say, for everyone there is one love
One light, one dream come true

I guess I lost that dream, so many years ago...
I guess I missed my chance at happiness
I guess I lost it all, lost my soul mate
But there was a time, a time when I was blessed

There was a time when you held me close
there was a time you loved me true
there were days when we laughed and loved in each other's arms
There was a time I was loved by you

Ohhh, there was a time

There was a time when we shared our dreams
There was a time, you were my happiness
There were days when we watched the stars in each other's eyes
There was a time when I was truly blessed

Ohhh, there was a time
I was blessed

They say, everyone has that one special one
The one they dream of every night
They say, everyone has that one someone
And I gotta say that they are right

But I guess I lost that someone
So many, many years ago
I lost that one chance at happiness...
But there was a time
Yeah, there was a time
When I was blessed

I guess I lost that dream, so many years ago...
I guess I missed my chance at happiness
I guess I lost it all, lost my soul mate
But there was a time, a time when I... was... blessed

Missing you

Hey Brandon,

I know I'm early. I don't usually write to you until Thanksgiving, or April - your birthday. But, circumstances has me thinking about you more than usual, even though I think of you daily. It started with some stupid idiot discussing suicide. It's funny (well, more angering, but I'm sure you understand) how people talk about the subject like it's just another topic... just another statistic. If they only knew. To be honest, it began even before this - it began a few weeks ago when I had to select a topic for Sociology to write about, and I chose suicide. The main reason for selecting it was to make people understand. And, maybe help myself understand. But since making the decision to write about this sensitive topic, I'm finding myself more on edge than usual. It doesn't help that the person who has brought up the topic wouldn't understand the pain of it if she had to deal with it first hand.. She'd turn it into some stupid political bull shit.

And, to top it all off, guess where I am? I'm laying in bed, my back fucked up. Boy does that bring back memories. Only, this time, you're not here reading me Dr. Seuss. That is one thing I miss greatly. You always managed to keep my mind off the pain - no matter what pain it was at the time. If I could have but one thing tonight, it would be for you to be sitting on the edge of my bed reading A Wocket in my Pocket or Dr. Seuss' ABC's.

But, I must go now. Please take care of your brother, and Nicky and her daddy, and watch over the rest of us. I love you, Brandon... Mercury... leader of the Solar Stars resistance. Some day, we will win.