screw you

Have you ever had one of those periods in your life where you feel the need to clean all the clutter out of your life? Well, I'm in one of these periods. But I'm not talking about stacks of paper in the corner, or boxes of pointless items in the attic. I'm talked about all those people you used to consider a friend.

To me, a friend is someone who is there through the good and the bad. They hold you hand when you need it, and let you fall when that's what is needed. But no matter what, they have your back and stick up for you when someone does you wrong.

A friend is not someone who is just making sure you aren't fucking her husband (or, ex-husband). He isn't someone just making sure you don't find someone better. But most importantly, he is not someone who lets someone else treat you like shit.

If any of my friends called another friend a name, unprovoked, I would step in. There is no reason for that. It's stupid and childish. And to stick up for someone so childish? That either means you don't understand the concept of friendship, or you don't give a shit.

So, that said, I am done. I will be deleting all my "friends" from facebook who only added me to check up on their men. And I will be deleted all my "friends" from facebook who doesn't have the balls to stand up for what is right... most likely because he/she believes getting fucked is more important. I do not believe in fucking over my friends. And I have no issues deleting those who are willing to fuck over another person.

Please, rot in hell. And good night.

Too Young

Two days ago, I found out that a young woman was in an ATv accident - a serious one. She had to have surgery to alleviate some of the pressure from her head. She was, and still is, holding onto life by a thread. This young woman is only 21. While I have never had a chance to get to know her, her cousins and second cousins have been close friends - people I care deeply about. Her mother is the sister to the man who gave me a home and a job 10 years ago when things were tough for me and my family.

Besides her being part of a family I owe so much to, there is the fact that she is so young. It reminds me so much of my brothers. One was only 20, the other 24, when they left this world. The difference? They chose to end their lives. This young lady didn't. Because of a tragic accident, her life is in danger. But no matter if by choice or accident, 21 is much too young to be fighting for ones life.

I feel so helpless. I know how it feels to lose a sibling - a loved one. I know how it feels when that person is so young. And I pray this woman's family won't have to feel that pain - that loss - for many many years. While I am not overly religious, I do believe there is someone watching over us all - and right now all I can do is pray that He help Briana and her family. Don't take her yet. in 50...70... years... then you can have her. But for now? Please give her back to her family... give all of her back... fully functioning in mind, body and spirit. Please don't take another who is too young to leave this world... who has too much yet to offer this world.

Burnt Out

It's been awhile since I've written anything other than for work, school, or an unintelligent Facebook status. Life went from busy and brain-numbing, to where-the-hell-am-I-and-what-the-hell-was-I-going-to-do. To be honest, I can't even remember my name some days. I'm burnt out. Everything I love feels like a chore. I've contemplated dropping out of school, skipping a week of work, and just hiding in my bed for a few days. I've considered drowning in a vat of whiskey... until I realized that would be a waste of whiskey.

So, what is it that has me losing my marbles and motivation? What isn't? It started several months ago, with work being a big mix up. I love my job and where I am now, but for a while there, it was a mess. And I found out that the one person I looked up to at work betrayed me. So that started the demotivation in that area. For school? It is so time consuming, and the past few months - especially the past few weeks - time is one thing I am quickly running out of.

Why the past few weeks especially? It all started 4 weeks ago today. I get a call at work from the hospital trying to reach my husband. They have a kidney for him. If anyone has had a transplant, or knows someone who has, you know its not one of those "Ok, we'll set you up for a week from tomorrow..." No. It's "get your ass here now." And of course, the hospital he had to go to is a couple hours away from us.

Anyway, the transplant happened, and I was a single mother for a couple weeks. Having been used to having someone else there to catch some of the "can I have..." and "can I do..." questions, by the end of week two, my sanity was essentially shot. I was still working full time, trying to take care of six children, luckily school was on its two week break at the same time, and of course the kids had little activities I had to make sure they made it to.

Now, he's been home for almost two week, and things are slowly going back to normal, but there is still the running around and the work and the school and the questions. There is still softball practice and games and tournaments. There is still trying to figure out how I'm going to afford a clarinet and saxaphone before school starts in 5 weeks since this whole transplant has eaten away pretty much all we had saved up. There is still three kids' birthdays in 2-3 weeks I have to get gifts for. I'm really not sure how much more stress I can take.

So, now that I've whined and bitched and moaned and complained and did not succeed in gaining any of my sanity, I am off to bed. I hope.