Halfway

There I'd stood
high on the cliff
the sun beating down
warming
comforting.
Feeling accomplished
at peace.

But then I lost my
footing.
A rock or twig
or some other
obstacle,

perhaps myself,

tripped me
and now I'm slipping
stumbling
grasping for something
anything
to catch me
before I fall

again.

I sit
halfway up
halfway down
tears threaten to fall
as my eyes raise.

Frightened,

alone
trapped in the middle
too exhausted to climb
one way or the
other.
Unable to move.

Dreams of falling
nightmares of rising
bubble to the surface.

A smile joins the tears
rain joins the shining sun
peace mingles with fear
as I sit
halfway up
halfway down

halfway me.

I am Enough

It's no secret that I have never really thought of myself as having any inner strength or beauty. It's no secret that I have always believed that I am not good enough. I am not enough. The person I am - as a mother, a friend, a wife, an employee, a person - is just not enough for others, or myself.

Within the past few weeks, I have come to realize that much of this has to do with those whom I choose to be around. I have realized there are two kinds of people - those who tear you down, and those who build you up.

There are those who may say the right things at times - "you're a good friend", "you're a good mom", "you're a good person" - but at the same time, have a way of making it well known that you aren't enough for them as you are.

And there are those who say those same words, and their actions and subsequent words back up their belief in you, and in your abilities and worth. 

I have been blessed with people in my life who are that latter type. I have been blessed with people who truly believe I am worth something... who truly believe I am enough. I have been blessed with people who understand when I need a few days (or weeks) of "me time" - something that, as an introvert, I need a lot of. These people don't try to make me feel guilty when I just can't (or frankly don't want to) spend time with them. They don't take it personally. They don't feel like I no longer care about them. They just accept me. And I'm still enough for them.

I have been blessed with people who understand that sometimes I'm a little temperamental, and will get a bit cranky or hurt by something they say or do, even though I really shouldn't react that way. They're willing to take the time to understand why I react the way I do, and work through it with me, without feeling like I am going to leave them, and without making me feel guilty for being me. And I'm still good enough for them.

I have been blessed with people who don't try to build me up with false words stated with ulterior motives - who don't tell me what they think I want to hear in the hopes that I'll spend more time with them, or will choose them first, or will love them more - but rather do build me up with words meant from their heart, because of the beautiful people they are on the inside. They build me up because they are willing to look beyond themselves, and beyond what I show the world, and see me for who I truly am. And I'm still enough for them.

And because I have been blessed with these people, I find that I am believing I do have an inner strength and beauty. I believe I am good enough.

People like this are truly a blessing... and a rare one at that. When you're lucky enough to find that person, hold onto them and love them and return the blessing.

Thank you to those who are such a blessing to me. You are loved dearly.

Not Enough

You're not enough
Nothing shatters a heart more
especially when spoken
through actions
over words.

My heart tightens
and the tears flow yet again
unstoppable
each time I remember
I'm not enough.

Not smart enough
Not good enough
Simply not enough

I try to speak
but the words get caught
I try to write
But my pen falters

There are no words
they're are not enough
to express this pain
echoing, growing
taking on a life of its own

My heart is being crushed
under the weight
of the look in your eyes
and sound of your voice

Not smart enough
Not good enough

There's nothing simple
about being not enough
There's nothing simple
about this ache within.
This ache without
hope

I hold it in
praying, seeking
just once to not be
not enough

A Gentle Melody

The clouds darken
around my soul
dancing ominously
a gentle melody screaming

My heart cries out
silently
wanting one more caress
my flesh desperately
seeking one more
rough hold

The skies grown in passion
the rains whimper
in comfort
a gently melody screaming

Glass Heart

When you look in the mirror
you don't like what you see
The reflection staring back
is that of others from the past

Those who said you're not enough
with actions more than words
Those who didn't see the beauty
of a heart made from glass

A heart uniquely crafted
by the hands of God himself
Shattered by neglect
Tempered by rejection

Every crack reflects light
a lovely prism on others' hearts
reflecting that which is truly you
love, beauty and perfection.

But you don't see this glass heart
when you look in the mirror
So I wish you could see
yourself through my eyes

Maybe then you'd see perfection
both inside and out
And maybe then you'd understand
that the mirror lies

Risk

You're up to bat
what are you going to do?
Do you swing, risk striking out?
Do you swing, risk the hit?
First base, second, third
home run?

How are are you willing to go?
How far do you want to go?

You step up to the plate
and grasp the bat,
hard cold steel in your hands.
And here's the pitch
what are you going to do?

Do you go for it?
Do you risk it all?