Want to Write

I want to write. No, I need to write. And yet every time I sit down to type something up, the words hide in various corners of my brain, sneaking into the shadows, refusing to show themselves.

Right on the tip of my tongue or fingers or brain lurks the words to the best poem or song or story one has ever heard or read. It's there. I can feel it, taste it. I can almost touch it, feel it caress me. And then is disappears again, playing this game with me, driving me to the edge of sanity.

Or would it be the edge of insanity? I'm uncertain. Is there a difference? I believe the edge of insanity would border or share the edge of sanity, therefore making it the same. So, I could simply say it is driving me to the edge.

But the edge of what? So many edges I have walked along. The edge of heaven and hell, good and evil. Edges are so much fun. Such thin little lines. One step in either direction dictates everything and yet nothing at all. One step can bring you closer to everything you desire, or further away from it, or perhaps closer to what you desire yet further from it at the same time. Odd. Yes, definitely odd.

But, most things which involve desire can be categorized as odd. Or perhaps it's only things which involve love. No, love would be considered an insanity, not an oddity. But desire? Passion? I choose not to use odd for those. Those are special. Those are life. Those are what edges are made of.

Every time you walk along an edge it is because there is something you desire on one side or the other, or perhaps on both sides of the edge. This is what makes the edges so exciting. I think this is why the words hide from me. They enjoy watching me teeter on this edge. It excites them.

New Look

It was time for a face-lift. I wish I could do that to myself as easily. Look through a few websites, say "I like that body," and voila! I'm lookin' sexy in my new skin. But alas, I once again deviate from my original point. Did I even have an original point? Ah, so confusing life can be.

As I was saying (or not saying as the case may be) I have given this blog a new look. On the one hand, I like it. On the other hand, I'm not really sure it's me. Please, give me opinions and feedback and comments and whatever else you feel like giving me. I'm quite open to something new and different here (so long, of course, it is still me and fits with the general title of this blog).

Trinket Hoarder

That's right. I'm a trinket hoarder. I don't have boxes of junk hidden in every nook and cranny of my house (well, actually I do, but it's not from hoarding - it's from being a poor housekeeper). What I do hoard, however, are little special trinkets from the past.

Yes, my jewelry box (which itself is a treasure I'd like to burn) is a hiding place for trinkets. All these silly little trinkets - memories of times long gone but never forgotten.

I still have my NFL pin from 9th grade when I was on the speech and debate team. Ah, those were some some days. I sucked at debate, but the trips were tons of fun. And Alexandria boys were really hot.

I still have a homecoming pin from sometime back in the late 80's. Go Spuds! It was something I stole from my big sis after she left home. Lord knows I was too much of a geek to care about homecoming.

I still have two very special friendship bracelets. Sam and I made them, sitting in the middle of a pasture on a large flat rock in Wisconsin. We couldn't have been more than 14 if even that. She's the one who taught me how to make them. I loved those days.

I still have one pair and two lonely pairless earrings - all from the same set. They were given to me when I was in 4th grade by my "husband" and his brother (I got married several times to this guy when I was 8 and 9 years old). His brother died shortly after I got the earrings.

I still have one earring from my college days - I lost it in my best friend's bed one day when we were discussing the meaning of life, or staring at the ceiling to see what shapes we could make out, or having some incredibly odd conversation (such as what would be the first thing we did if we could be the opposite gender for a day).

I still have a necklace of beaded seashells one of my best friends gave me sometime in Junior High. We were friends for years - could tell each other everything. His family and mine were very close, and have experienced a lot of hardships together.

I have many other little trinkets hiding within this box - all memories, whether old or new. Actually, mostly old. My newer stuff is strewn about on top of my dressing table. That comes from being a bad housekeeper. But the trinkets? That's because I'm a trinket hoarder - and proud of it.

The Art of Friendship

So, apparently it is an accepted practice to encourage and support a friend's stupidity. Never tell them their thinking is a little skewed. So what if they drank a bottle of gasoline or slept with their best friend's boyfriend or tried jumping off a bridge just to see if they could fly. As a friend, one should encourage their desires to do this. What business is it of yours if they talk of suicide or depression or are otherwise pessimistic and driving everyone away just to make themselves feel better. You should promote and strengthen these feelings of worthlessness.

Additionally, you should never disagree with your friends. Obviously you cannot have an opinion or brain of your own. You have friends. Therefore, if your friends believe any of the above, you should also. Which of course, by believing this as well, keeps you from committing the heinous act above.

It is no wonder I have no friends. I was unaware of the rules of friendship before now. And now that I have been taught? Yes, I think I shall reconsider my stance. I shall from this point forward act like a moron twit just to make my friends feel better about themselves.

Faith

A conversation broke out today regarding faith. The whats and wheres and why-fores are really unimportant for the sake of this post, other than the fact that this conversation is what brought about this rambling. This said, allow me to continue.

Faith is essentially trust. If you look it up in the dictionary, most of the definitions have "trust" in them. Most people who know me know that trust isn't something I give wholly or easily. It takes years to build, and only moments to destroy. And once it's been destroyed, it is basically impossible to regain, although there have been a few. But, I digress.

Blind faith is the art of trusting in someone or something without question or proof. To have blind faith in someone is, quite simply, stupid. You have to allow for the opportunity to question this trust, even if not right at this moment. Otherwise, you are just setting yourself up for pain, sorrow and disappointment.

But on the same hand, you have to have some faith. For example, I have faith in my husband that he won't cheat on me. I wouldn't have married him otherwise. If there hadn't been that trust, I basically would have been just marrying him because I was bored. Or because I just didn't want to be alone. And this would have been, quite simply, stupid.

I have faith in my friends that they care about me and will be here for me when they can and/or want to be. This doesn't give me the right to distrust when they aren't there for me. I've already allowed for that possibility rather than blindly believing in them. To do so would be, quite simply, stupid. They're human.

I have faith there is a higher power of some sort. This isn't a blind trust. I accept that this higher power may not exist, and am willing to question and research and study. To do otherwise would be, quite simply, stupid.

So basically what I am saying, faith is not blind. Or shouldn't be. It is not something to just toss under the rug though either. It is something to be realistically and carefully considered, and appreciated.

some voices now silenced

You gave me some of these voices. I often claim there are 157 of the little guys chattering away up here, but the true number is yet unknown. I tried to count the once. That didn't go over so well. But, this is of no matter. The fact of the matter is I have several voices, and some of these were born and nourished because of you.

They, of all the voices, are some of whom have guided me the most. They have protected me and kept me from danger. They have held me back when I wanted dream stupidly. They have warned me before I got too close just what it was I was getting close to. Granted, I haven't always heeded the warnings, but for the most part, I have. And when I haven't, I have quickly learned I should have.

And this is how it was just recently. The voices chimed in and rang their warning bells louder than they ever had before. Yet at the same time other voices, generally quiet and often forgotten, allowed themselves to be heard. Forgiveness. An odd concept. Forgiveness is for the weak and stupid. Or so most of my voices believe. And the quiet ones don't usually argue. They stay in their corner alone and silent.

Due to the odd nature of these quiet ones piping up, I had to listen. I ignored the warnings and screams of danger, and listened and forgave and allowed myself to feel and hurt and believe. And now, I hope not-as-nice voices permanently silence those which are generally quiet. And now, I admit, you win. The voices warned me, this was retribution. This was revenge. I didn't believe, until now. You wanted me to hurt? You succeeded. You wanted to kill off any good memory, any good part of me? This, too, you have succeeded at. And now, with a few less voices chattering, it grows colder and quieter.

If you don't spell it out for me...

...the voices will do it for you.

And trust me, you don't want the voices to spell things out for you. Mainly because, they'll be much more brutally honest, which will cause me to spin out of control, which in turn will wreak havoc on your little world. I tend to think the worst of people, only because that is usually reality.

It seems so many people don't realize this, or continuously forget. For instance, you're constantly making certain comments insinuating you're looking for something from me. If I confront you on this, no no, that isn't what you want at all. However, the truth is, you do. If I don't confront you, or if I allow you to lie your way out of it, my voices will already determine that yes indeed this is what you're looking for. I will then get very angry or hurt and make your life a living hell. So basically, you're screwed either way. The only way you could have survived unscathed would have been to try this silly little thing called honesty before my voices had a chance to dissect your hidden agenda.

Or maybe you're giving short responses, if any response. You're basically ignoring me. My voices hate being ignored. So naturally they go into overdrive quite quickly, and come up with the conclusion that you don't want to have anything to do with me. I could confront you about this, but the truth is, I wouldn't believe anything you had to say to the contrary as my voices have already made up their collective minds.

I could go on and on with examples, but the fact remains, be honest. Everyone pussy-foots around the truth because they don't want to hurt someone's feelings; or because they're scared they might lose whatever relationship is currently existing. But the fact is, feelings are getting hurt and the relationship is already damaged if you're feeling the need to not be specific and honest.

So, if you don't spell it out for me, my voices will do it for you.