As of yet untitled

Desperately trying to separate
fact from fiction,
fantasy from reality.

But it is not possible.

The truth and the lies
have mingled together
in perfect chaotic harmony,

singing their separate hymns
in melodious discord.

Four unique minds
in two different bodies
entwined within one soul,

forever joined and yet never together.

Barely Breathing

Fingers dance lightly over the keys
Caressing
Whispering feelings that scream through my soul
Barely breathing
Gasping for air
Each shaky breath filled with uncertainty
Inhibited
Ablaze
Heart pounding
Wanting to escape
To reach out and hold onto you

Words fail as desire dominates
Caressing
Crying out for your gentle whispers on my flesh
Barely breathing
The warm breeze
Of spoken love trembling against my neck
Restrained
Ignited
Soul seeking
Wanting to touch
To reach out and hold onto you

Fantasies dance within the darkness
Caressing
Whispering thoughts over your throbbing need
Barely breathing
Silently gasping
A whimper upon each shaky breath
Guarded
Burning
Body quivering
Wanting to love
To reach out and hold onto you

Victory

Reality and dreams embrace each other

In the still of dawn’s first light

And victory comes to the one who surrenders

Comfort and fear sweetly make love

As the sun beats down upon the cold

And victory comes to the one who surrenders

Passion and peace entwine intimately

In the calm of the moon’s gentle glow

And victory comes to the one who surrenders

Fade

If I show you my tears

Will you wipe them away

Or will you hold me close

Until they slowly fade?

If I show you my scars

Will you hide them away

Or will you kiss each one

Until they slowly fade?

If I show you my fears

Will you say there’s no need

Or will you lay with me

Until they slowly fade?

If I show you me

Will you help me to change

Or will you love me for me

With a love that won’t fade? 

The Lost and Forgotten

We were never meant to be happy or free. Our very lives were under the thumb of tyrants, each day being uncertain if it would be our last. Even the simplest mistake resulted in pain and torment. They controlled our every move - our every thought.

We were taught that love was pain, and hope a mere fantasy. God had forsaken us, and prayer was a useless act. Dreams were never meant to come true, and peace was non-existent.

We were the forgotten. The lost. The helpless. Our hearts grew cold and empty, our souls died.

We were the unlovable, the unreachable, the lonely. Trust, faith, love, tears - these concepts were a constant danger to our very existence.

I escaped the tyranny, but could not escape the lessons learned. For years I held onto those beliefs of being forgotten and lost, helpless and unlovable.

Many days I continued to wonder if your escape had been the better option. You escaped both the tyranny and the lessons. You found light by extinguishing yours. You found light, while we continued to live in darkness.

Days turned to months, and then to years. And the darkness remained my only companion.

--------------------

For many years I felt like were alone in our struggles. Yes, I had a vague understanding that there were people in the world who had it so much worse, but this was only a small notion, and one where I chose not to put my focus. Perhaps it was because I was simply too young and immature to recognize the world beyond myself. Perhaps I was simply too afraid to open my heart and care. 

It took me a long time to recognize there was a light shining through that darkness. It took me a long time to stop trying to put out that light - to stop being afraid of it. It took me a long time to understand that amid all the pain and suffering, that light had stayed by my side. It took me a long time to understand that I have the power and responsibility to show that light to others. 

Perhaps it was because of this realization that my heart is heavy today. Our world is broken. It has always been broken. And it will continue to be broken because so many people have refused to recognize that they too have this power and responsibility to show this light to others. So many want to lock the door and keep the hurt and lost and helpless away. So many are driven by fear or arrogance. Or both. They claim compassion, but don't truly understand what it means to be compassionate. They claim love, but have no understanding of what it means to love.

I no longer wonder if your escape was the better option. Yes, you escaped the tyranny and the darkness. But I have found something so much better hiding in the darkness - a light. Hope, dreams, love, peace. And I have found a desire to show this light to others, to help people realize they are not alone, or helpless. I have found a desire to truly give compassion and love to those who need it most - to those who were like us, or worse. To those who have that rope around their necks, and cannot find a reason not to let it tighten. To those who stopped believing, or never had a chance to believe. To the lost and forgotten.

poems

Below are a few a couple poems I wrote a month or so ago. They need to be edited yet, but figured I'd post anyway...

Love hesitantly but deeply

Trust openly but few

As the moon beans shine upon

The deserving

As the wind caresses

Dreams brightly dance

Hold onto those dreams

As you hold one’s heart

Tenderly when they make you smile

Fearful but forgotten when they bring pain

Week like the storm clouds

For those who weep with you

Wrap your cold fingers around

Those who cannot

Surrender to the power hands

That reach out like silken threads

(9/9/2015)

--------

The dreams slowly come alive

as the fire embers burn,

never ending,

never dying,

always heated

even though retreated.

Just one touch,

just one time,

hold me near.

Just one heart,

just one need,

nothing to fear.  (9/21/2015)

A Selfish Disease?

Yesterday, a trusted friend uttered the words "depression is a selfish illness."
Yesterday, someone who should understand this illness, dared to say that I, and others who suffer depression, are selfish.
Yesterday, because of 5 little words, I felt selfish, which caused me to feel even more depressed.

According to the Oxford Dictionary, selfish is defined as: "(Of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure."

On the one hand, it is sometimes true that when someone is in a depression, they do lack consideration for others. But this is not always the case. Often we do consider them, but lack the ability to truly help others or be there for them, which in turn causes our depression to worsen. Is this selfishness? Is it selfish to be physically and emotionally incapable of helping other people? 

"Concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure"... well, I guess this part could also be considered true - at least to the degree that I do not know a single depressed person who wants to be depressed, and instead does want to find some sort of joy in their life. They do want the personal profit of a full month, or week, or even just a day, of happiness. Is that selfish? Is it wrong to want to not live in emotional pain on a continuous basis? 

For me... when I think of something being selfish, I think of it being a conscious effort to achieve personal gain (or, personal perceived gain). The acts that stem from depression - the inability to put others first, or to do what should be done - are subconscious symptoms of a debilitating disease.  

But, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe even in writing this, I'm being selfish. Maybe that's all it is and all it ever has been.