Victory

Reality and dreams embrace each other

In the still of dawn’s first light

And victory comes to the one who surrenders

Comfort and fear sweetly make love

As the sun beats down upon the cold

And victory comes to the one who surrenders

Passion and peace entwine intimately

In the calm of the moon’s gentle glow

And victory comes to the one who surrenders

Fade

If I show you my tears

Will you wipe them away

Or will you hold me close

Until they slowly fade?

If I show you my scars

Will you hide them away

Or will you kiss each one

Until they slowly fade?

If I show you my fears

Will you say there’s no need

Or will you lay with me

Until they slowly fade?

If I show you me

Will you help me to change

Or will you love me for me

With a love that won’t fade? 

The Lost and Forgotten

We were never meant to be happy or free. Our very lives were under the thumb of tyrants, each day being uncertain if it would be our last. Even the simplest mistake resulted in pain and torment. They controlled our every move - our every thought.

We were taught that love was pain, and hope a mere fantasy. God had forsaken us, and prayer was a useless act. Dreams were never meant to come true, and peace was non-existent.

We were the forgotten. The lost. The helpless. Our hearts grew cold and empty, our souls died.

We were the unlovable, the unreachable, the lonely. Trust, faith, love, tears - these concepts were a constant danger to our very existence.

I escaped the tyranny, but could not escape the lessons learned. For years I held onto those beliefs of being forgotten and lost, helpless and unlovable.

Many days I continued to wonder if your escape had been the better option. You escaped both the tyranny and the lessons. You found light by extinguishing yours. You found light, while we continued to live in darkness.

Days turned to months, and then to years. And the darkness remained my only companion.

--------------------

For many years I felt like were alone in our struggles. Yes, I had a vague understanding that there were people in the world who had it so much worse, but this was only a small notion, and one where I chose not to put my focus. Perhaps it was because I was simply too young and immature to recognize the world beyond myself. Perhaps I was simply too afraid to open my heart and care. 

It took me a long time to recognize there was a light shining through that darkness. It took me a long time to stop trying to put out that light - to stop being afraid of it. It took me a long time to understand that amid all the pain and suffering, that light had stayed by my side. It took me a long time to understand that I have the power and responsibility to show that light to others. 

Perhaps it was because of this realization that my heart is heavy today. Our world is broken. It has always been broken. And it will continue to be broken because so many people have refused to recognize that they too have this power and responsibility to show this light to others. So many want to lock the door and keep the hurt and lost and helpless away. So many are driven by fear or arrogance. Or both. They claim compassion, but don't truly understand what it means to be compassionate. They claim love, but have no understanding of what it means to love.

I no longer wonder if your escape was the better option. Yes, you escaped the tyranny and the darkness. But I have found something so much better hiding in the darkness - a light. Hope, dreams, love, peace. And I have found a desire to show this light to others, to help people realize they are not alone, or helpless. I have found a desire to truly give compassion and love to those who need it most - to those who were like us, or worse. To those who have that rope around their necks, and cannot find a reason not to let it tighten. To those who stopped believing, or never had a chance to believe. To the lost and forgotten.

poems

Below are a few a couple poems I wrote a month or so ago. They need to be edited yet, but figured I'd post anyway...

Love hesitantly but deeply

Trust openly but few

As the moon beans shine upon

The deserving

As the wind caresses

Dreams brightly dance

Hold onto those dreams

As you hold one’s heart

Tenderly when they make you smile

Fearful but forgotten when they bring pain

Week like the storm clouds

For those who weep with you

Wrap your cold fingers around

Those who cannot

Surrender to the power hands

That reach out like silken threads

(9/9/2015)

--------

The dreams slowly come alive

as the fire embers burn,

never ending,

never dying,

always heated

even though retreated.

Just one touch,

just one time,

hold me near.

Just one heart,

just one need,

nothing to fear.  (9/21/2015)

A Selfish Disease?

Yesterday, a trusted friend uttered the words "depression is a selfish illness."
Yesterday, someone who should understand this illness, dared to say that I, and others who suffer depression, are selfish.
Yesterday, because of 5 little words, I felt selfish, which caused me to feel even more depressed.

According to the Oxford Dictionary, selfish is defined as: "(Of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure."

On the one hand, it is sometimes true that when someone is in a depression, they do lack consideration for others. But this is not always the case. Often we do consider them, but lack the ability to truly help others or be there for them, which in turn causes our depression to worsen. Is this selfishness? Is it selfish to be physically and emotionally incapable of helping other people? 

"Concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure"... well, I guess this part could also be considered true - at least to the degree that I do not know a single depressed person who wants to be depressed, and instead does want to find some sort of joy in their life. They do want the personal profit of a full month, or week, or even just a day, of happiness. Is that selfish? Is it wrong to want to not live in emotional pain on a continuous basis? 

For me... when I think of something being selfish, I think of it being a conscious effort to achieve personal gain (or, personal perceived gain). The acts that stem from depression - the inability to put others first, or to do what should be done - are subconscious symptoms of a debilitating disease.  

But, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe even in writing this, I'm being selfish. Maybe that's all it is and all it ever has been.



 

Baby Brother

Tonight, it hit me just how much I miss you, Matthew.

You were my baby. I watched you be born. I was the one in charge of taking care of you from the time you first came home. I was the one who held you and rocked you when you were sick and our parents were too preoccupied to be bothered with a little baby. I was the one who held you all night long when you couldn't sleep in your crib, falling asleep in a chair with you in my arms. I was the one who sang or read you to sleep almost every night until you were seven years old. I was the one who took care of you when you were hurt, or sick, or sad.

I never got to know the kid you grew up to be... or the teenager... or the man. I left home and didn't look back. And now, it's too late. I will never know. No one will.

In 12 days... well, 11 considering it's now the 5th.... you'll have been gone from this life for six years. I still remember that day. It had been about 14 and a half years since I'd last seen you... I went into work, and opened my email. Jenny had emailed asking if I'd gotten the email from Tanya to my home email address. So, I quickly checked that, and my heart stopped. I don't think it's truly ever started again since that day.

You were gone.

I know you were 24 at the time, but to me, you were (and are) still that little baby laying in my arms sleeping. You were (and are) still that silly little boy with the infectious laugh. You were (and still are) the one holding the candle when my world was dark and cold.

I miss you. I love you. And I'm sorry.

Halfway

There I'd stood
high on the cliff
the sun beating down
warming
comforting.
Feeling accomplished
at peace.

But then I lost my
footing.
A rock or twig
or some other
obstacle,

perhaps myself,

tripped me
and now I'm slipping
stumbling
grasping for something
anything
to catch me
before I fall

again.

I sit
halfway up
halfway down
tears threaten to fall
as my eyes raise.

Frightened,

alone
trapped in the middle
too exhausted to climb
one way or the
other.
Unable to move.

Dreams of falling
nightmares of rising
bubble to the surface.

A smile joins the tears
rain joins the shining sun
peace mingles with fear
as I sit
halfway up
halfway down

halfway me.