wow....

Wow... I haven't written anything here since the first of the year? That's sad. But, typical of me. I go through my spurts of writing and not writing. And what spurt am I in now? Well, I'm writing here, aren't I? Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean anything other than I figured maybe I should update my blog. But, the truth is, I am resurrecting the writing. It's about time. So, here we go... another writing... one which means nothing yet I'm certain there will be those who take it for more than it's worth. This is why I have such a hard time writing... too many people assuming I'm saying something I'm not. And too many not realizing I mean what I'm saying. And too many just not caring when I need them to notice.

And, now that I have babbled for a bit, and lost half my readers (all 4 of u), allow me to continue with a fictional rambling...

*sighs* I lost my train of thought. I shall have to continue later...

Goodbye (and good riddance) 2011

As I start typing this, we are 20 minutes into the new year. It was one of those years which I really want to say was a horrid year - but then I remember that most of those negative things had something good attached to them. So, instead of writing all the good things, or all the bad things, that 2011 brought, allow me instead to give the list of things I have learned this past year...

1) Watching your child rolled away to surgery is probably the most difficult thing a parent can do (other than lose a child).

2) Sitting up until 4am desperately waiting to hear news on your husband/whether or not surgery is going to happen sucks.

3) Attempting to work after getting a grand total of 30 minutes of sleep since 7am the day before is just plain stupid.

4) Drinking and bleaching your hair when already feeling a little nauseous is also just plain stupid... and will lead to a 3 day puking spree.

5) A 3 day puking spree is an effective, although really crappy, diet plan.

6) People who feel it is within their right to judge others should be judged (and sent to hell) before anyone else.

7) 3 sisters, 1 vehicle, and a trip taking twice as long as it should is a helluva lot of fun, and the best adventure ever

8) 17 years is so long to wait to hold a brother again..

9) Hugging your sibling again after so many years is such a beautiful (yet somewhat bittersweet) feeling

10) Finding old friends often turns out different than one would expect

11) The past is rarely what you believe it was

12) Making the decision to say goodbye hurts - but is sometimes the only decision

13) Losing someone you love is always difficult - no matter the reason, distance, or years. I love and miss you Grandma.

14) Having lost someone close to you is a hurt that never goes away... no matter the reason, distance, or years. Brandon - it's been 11 years; Matthew - it's been over 2 years. I love and miss you both.

15) ALWAYS make sure the people you love know how you feel. They may not be here tomorrow.


I could probably come up with several more, but shall stop here tonight. Happy New Years everyone. May 2012 bring you all your hopes and dreams.

blah blah whatever

I'm bored.

Or, perhaps it would be better to say that I am sick and tired of being stuck laying around in bed with nothing to do but puke my guts out. I am pleased to announce, however, that I am done with the vomiting (I hope). That was the absolute worst flu (or whatever the hell was wrong with me) I have ever had (that I recall). Two days of being unable to keep anything down, and another day of struggling to do so is not fun.

But now that it's over? Or, I assume it is over since I have now managed to keep down some peanut butter toast and small bowl of oatmeal? I don't have the energy to walk from here to the kitchen (a whole 6 feet away approximately). The dining room table is even a stain, and that is right on the other side of my bedroom door.

So, I'm stuck here.

Normally, I would have homework to do. But, alas (and thank God) the quarter is over, I'm on a two week break. This was the worst quarter I have had to date. And sadly, it was mainly just once class that made it horrible. Well, there was a second one which I struggled with (E-Commerce); and there were two I absolutely enjoyed (Sociology and Windows Server 2008). But that fourth one. Leave it to one person to kill a person's love for Astronomy. But, I pulled off a 94% for a final grade (so long as the instructor doesn't see my evaluation of him before the grades are finalized), and it's over now. So, I can enjoy my break.

Or, I would enjoy it, if I had the energy.

Maybe I will just go take a shower (which will probably turn into a bath since I probably can't stay standing for more than 3 minutes) then head off to bed... which is to say, go to sleep since I have been in bed for the better part of 3 days. Thankfully I get to go to work tomorrow. Hopefully, I should say. I could use someone to talk to other than myself. Although, now that I think about it, I do a lot of talking to myself at work also.

Next quarter's Psychology class could end up being rather enlightening for me.

drained and discarded

I'm sitting here, uncertain of quite how I feel. I had a great weekend this past weekend. I got to see family I haven't seen in years, had the opportunity to hang out and enjoy the company of my wonderful sisters, and even my brother (whom I haven't seen in years). Granted, it was for a funeral we all got together, but, well, my Grandma was a wonderful, beautiful, giving woman - and it seems she gave us one last thing - a chance to get reacquainted with loved ones.

Yet, I'm still sitting here, uncertain how to feel. I'm overcome by a combination of love and depression, relief and release, closure and even a bit of anger and a lot of guilt. So much of so many different things all rattling around within my mind and heart. I'm almost to the point of being numb as there is too much for me to handle.

A third party would have been nice to bounce things off of. But, I guess everyone has their own problems. Mine are no more important, and are probably quite simply more confusing as I don't even know what my problem is.

But, alas, I shall quit my rambling for now as I can't focus my thoughts on any one thing, on any one person or event or anything else. Perhaps I shall try again should I regain any type of clarity to my own mind.

Shouldn't be allowed to speak

I've come to the conclusion, I shouldn't be allowed to speak to people the last couple weeks of November. I shouldn't be allowed to associate with anyone in any way. It seems I have this innate ability to piss people off and/or kick them out of my life during these few weeks before Thanksgiving. I'm moody, unpredictable, and even manage to drive myself insane. Of course, it could be argued that I am always this way, however, November is notably worse. I guess that can be expected when your best friend takes his own life on Thanksgiving morning. Eleven years and it still hurts knowing my brother is gone. Well, now, two brothers gone.

That said - and why it's been said, I really am not sure - allow me to continue with my obnoxiously insane senseless rambling. Although, I am finding I am suddenly not sure what to ramble about. My mind is going in half a dozen different directions, none of them any nice straight path. None of them even a nice curvy path. They just branch out. I am so lost. Lost within the darkness and depths of my own mind. Lost within the emotions and lack thereof. Wishing I could dream. Dreaming I could wish. Hoping without hope that a sign will appear telling me if I'm doing the right thing, feeling the right thing.

Until then, I continue throwing away friendships that never existed. I continue hurting those I shouldn't, and crying over found dreams, and tripping over my own heart.

Maybe it's cuz

Maybe it's cuz we never got to say goodbye
Maybe it's cuz I needed to run away and hide
Maybe it's cuz I'm just that into you
Maybe it's cuz I know, I know this love it true

And yeah, that's as far as I can go, with these words. Cuz everytime I try to write more I just start thinkin' about, all the times I was in your arms, the laughter, the tears, and joy, and fears...

You may not remember, or maybe you wanna forget, which is all right, I understand, I been there too and Iknow what it's like to remember, the laughter, the tears, and joy and fears

So maybe, it's cuz we never got to say goodbye
Or maybe, it's cuz I needed to run away and hide
Maybe it's cuz I'm just that into you
Or maybe, it's cuz I know, I know this love is true

Well whatever it is, it ain't going away, I think about you both night and day and I wonder why, why did it all have to go wrong, cuz I remember, the laughter, the tears, and joy and fears

Oh I remember, I remember it like it was yesterday, it was so clear, so real, but why did I run away, Cuz I remember, I remember it all, there was the laughter, the tears, and joy and fears

So maybe, it's cuz we never got to say goodbye
Or maybe, it's cuz I needed to run away and hide
Maybe it's cuz I'm just that into you
Or maybe, it's cuz I know, I know this love is true

I was Blessed

they say, there's someone for everyone
and if you miss your chance, you miss your happiness
they say, everyone has that one someone
and if they get away, then you lose this game

I guess I lost this game, so many years ago...
I guess I missed my chance at happiness
I guess I lost it all, lost my someone
But there was a time, a time when I was blessed

They say, for everyone there is someone
A soul mate, that perfect match
They say, for everyone there is one love
One light, one dream come true

I guess I lost that dream, so many years ago...
I guess I missed my chance at happiness
I guess I lost it all, lost my soul mate
But there was a time, a time when I was blessed

There was a time when you held me close
there was a time you loved me true
there were days when we laughed and loved in each other's arms
There was a time I was loved by you

Ohhh, there was a time

There was a time when we shared our dreams
There was a time, you were my happiness
There were days when we watched the stars in each other's eyes
There was a time when I was truly blessed

Ohhh, there was a time
I was blessed

They say, everyone has that one special one
The one they dream of every night
They say, everyone has that one someone
And I gotta say that they are right

But I guess I lost that someone
So many, many years ago
I lost that one chance at happiness...
But there was a time
Yeah, there was a time
When I was blessed

I guess I lost that dream, so many years ago...
I guess I missed my chance at happiness
I guess I lost it all, lost my soul mate
But there was a time, a time when I... was... blessed